


Wordless

by Gilrael



Series: Silent [2]
Category: Original Work
Genre: All explicit sex scenes are between adults, Falling In Love, Getting Back Together, Growing Up, Implied/Referenced Underage Sex, M/M, Past Abuse, Underage Drinking, Underage Smoking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-02
Updated: 2018-06-02
Packaged: 2019-05-17 05:46:14
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 8
Words: 29,213
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14826467
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gilrael/pseuds/Gilrael
Summary: Devrim's life has never been particularly happy. But between his mother's struggle to find employment and the constant fear of his father, he tries to stay strong. Things take a turn for the better when Devrim and his mother move to Wolfach where he meets Alyosha, the love of his life. But happiness is only temporary...~~~This is the second part of a story I originally wrote in German and then translated into English a couple of years ago.  Both parts can be read independently from one another.





	1. Why I used to fear my father

**Author's Note:**

> First of all, here are some disclaimers if you haven't read the first part.
> 
> 1) This story is set in Germany where the age of consent is 16 (with a bunch of caveats, but these don't apply in this situation). The characters in this story are teenagers, and while they are 16 and 17, and I don't go into much detail, they do have sex at one point. All explicit sex scenes will be between adults. You have been warned.
> 
> 2) The German school system is pretty different, and since I'm sure most people won't be familiar with it, here's a quick explanation: Primary school lasts from Year 1 to 4 (~ ages 6 to 11). Afterwards, children will be sorted into three different types of schools, depending on their abilities and marks: Hauptschule (which ends with Year 9 and is required for apprenticeships in manual labour), Realschule (which ends with Year 10 and is required for apprenticeships in regular office jobs), and Gymnasium (which ends with Year 12 or 13, depending on the school, is often referred to as Gymi, and is required for more prestigious apprenticeships and university (it also has nothing to do with English 'gymnasium'). The final exam and degree are called Abitur (often shortened to Abi)). After Hauptschule and Realschule, students will move on to vocational schools for their apprenticeships or to attend Year 10 to 13. If you want to teach at a school, at least in my state, you have to major in at least two different subjects (a third subject can be added as a major or minor). German marks go from 1 to 6, with 1 being the best possible mark (the equivalent of an A) and 4 being the lowest passing mark. The only exception to this are the last two years at Gymi when marks go from 15 to 0 with 15 being the best mark (the equivalent of an A*) and 5 being the lowest passing mark. 
> 
> With that out of the way, I hope you enjoy this story!

I remember the sobs of my mother as if it was yesterday. It's a noise I never want to hear ever again. My father grabbed her by the arm and shouted at her, spit flying everywhere. It wasn't the first time that I witnessed something like this. Oh, how I wanted to close my eyes and look away, but I couldn't. What I wanted, even more, was to act, to tear my father away from her. But the countless scars he'd given me reminded me that I was useless.

When my father lifted his fist to hit her, I turned and fled from the flat in my slippers.

 

My name is Devrim Sadik, and my life has never been particularly happy. I was born in Stuttgart and lived there for the biggest part of my childhood until my father snapped. He'd lost his job and didn't know how to deal with that, so he'd lashed out at me and my mother. Those horrors began when I was ten and should've ended when I was fourteen and my parents finally divorced. But it didn't end because my father was fixated on getting us back. To escape him, we moved to Göppingen, where he found us after a few months. After that we moved to Karlsruhe, hoping that it would be far enough away. Our hope was in vain.

And then my mother decided to move to a small town in the middle of the Black Forest, namely Wolfach.

And for a little more than a year, I was happy. As happy as you can be when you live in constant fear of being found by your violent father.

In Wolfach, I found friends and my first love. I know, this probably sounds terribly cheesy, but I still miss him. And that's why I'm going to tell you about him, about the boy that stole my heart and never gave it back to me.

 


	2. How I lost my heart

It wasn't love at first sight, but I definitely thought that Alexei Schmitt was interesting right from the start. My new form teacher made me sit next to him after I'd introduced myself to form 10c of the Robert-Gerwig-Gymnasium in Hausach. You could see from a distance that he was worse off financially than most of our classmates, and they all ignored him completely. Nobody seemed to be interested in him, and he didn't seem to care. His hair was a badly dyed black, his lips were thin, and his limbs were in that awkward phase of puberty when they appeared to be too long in comparison to the rest of his body. All of that only served to make him more interesting and thus attractive. I simply liked looking at him, not that I would've admitted to it. I shoved those thoughts aside. He was a boy after all, and boys weren't supposed to be attractive to other boys. At least that's what I thought back then.

In the first break between lessons, my classmates started asking me about my hobbies, about why I had moved, and some of them made rude comments about my clothes. I skirted around the questions about the move as elegantly as possible and decided that I wouldn't bother with these people if they didn't like my clothes.

Alexei sat next to me the entire time and never said a single word.

“Are they all this arrogant?” I asked quietly before the next lesson started.

“Most of them, yes.”

You could hear the Russian half of his ancestry in his accent, but you would've had to listen closely. And I did. I soaked up everything Alexei said as if I were a sponge because he didn't ask questions that would've put me on the spot, and most of the time what he had to say was interesting.

So I decided that I would make friends with him.

Luckily, it just so happened that he also lived in Wolfach, so we took the same train home. Because I couldn't think of a better topic, I asked about the people in our form.

“Well, Alex and Kim are the class representatives, so you probably should avoid getting on their bad side,” he replied without hesitation. “Kim especially can be pretty resentful. All the people sitting in the first row are nerds. If you need to copy homework, they are the people you should ask. Just try to avoid asking the same person every time, they get annoyed pretty easily. Oh, and do not even attempt to get anywhere near Jennifer – that's the petite blonde – 'cause if you do you'll get in trouble with Jonathan. They've been going out since last year. Jonathan is the burly guy who sits in the last row.”

“And what about you?”

“Well... I am...” He hesitated and didn't look me in the eye. “I'm easily overlooked. I'm not interesting enough to sit with the popular people in the last row, and I'm too bad at school to fit in with the nerds.”

“So what you are trying to tell me is that you don't have any friends,” I replied with a triumphant grin. If he didn't have any friends, then he certainly wouldn't mind making one.

I did not count on his reaction to that statement.

“Fuck you.” He turned away, ostentatiously staring out of the train window.

“Dude, calm down!” I said, trying to minimise the damage. “I was just joking. You're a lot more bearable than the others.”

“Well thanks,” he growled as our train arrived in Wolfach. He was still pissed, and when I noticed that we both were walking in the same direction, I was starting to despair. He was living so close to me and, idiot that I was, I managed to fuck things up immediately! I kinda hated myself. Two blocks before mine, he was about to turn a corner without saying goodbye, but I didn't let him do that.

“Hey, about what I said... I wasn't being serious,” I tried to apologise. “It'd be nice if we could, like, hang out or something. I think you're kinda... I dunno... cool.”

“Fine,” Alexei sighed. “We'll talk tomorrow, I need to babysit my little sister now.”

So I still had a chance, and I needed to take it. I couldn't let a catch like Alexei slip through my fingers.

 

Our flat in Wolfach wasn't very big. We didn't even have a living room since we would've had to share a bedroom then. And as much as I loved my mother, I was sixteen and needed a retreat, a place where I could be alone for a while. But sometimes I needed company. Thus I returned from my first day at the new school and sat down in our kitchen where my mother was pickling vine leaves and cooking lunch.

She asked about my new form, I told her about Alexei and that we might hang out soon. I obviously didn't mention that I managed to offend him with my infinite stupidity.

My mother simply nodded. I knew that she would interrogate him immediately, should he ever set foot in our flat. But as long as she hadn't met him, she wouldn't trust my words anyway since that whole thing with my father had made her sceptical. She only trusted her own judgement and avoided forming close friendships.

I couldn't and wouldn't withdraw myself from society like that. Yes, it always hurt when I had to find new friends just to leave them time and again, but being friendly was in my nature. Social contacts gave me energy that I was otherwise lacking.

And that was why I tried very hard to make Alexei want to be my friend the next day. I suggested that we could maybe go to his place after school, but he vehemently rejected that suggestion.

“If we go to my place, we'll have to deal with my sisters, so no thanks,” he grumbled, shaking his head, and I immediately took note of the fact that he had not just one sister.

I didn't want to invite him over to my place. My room wasn't painted yet, and I didn't even have a proper bed frame. I was sleeping on a mattress on the floor instead. I didn't want him to see that, although I was quite certain that he wouldn't be bothered by something that trivial. Like I already said, you could see that his parents weren't well off in comparison to the parents of our classmates.

Speaking of classmates... I kinda got a lot of attention from the girls, and at the time, that seemed rather suspicious to me, because I didn't get why. Later, somebody would tell me that it was because of my looks, but I honestly have to admit that I didn't give a shit about those girls. I didn't want their attention since I was very busy giving mine to a certain Russian guy.

“We could hike to Burg Husen,” he suggested during a break. I'd already noticed the castle ruins when my uncle Cem had driven us from Karlsruhe to Wolfach. They sat on a hill in the forest, seemingly guarding the town of Hausach. I could imagine that it would be quite beautiful up there in early autumn, so I agreed.

For the rest of the school day I kept analysing the relationships between Alexei and the rest of our form. He said himself that he was an outsider, and the more I saw, the more I had to agree with that statement. He only talked to them if it was unavoidable, and the same went for them. During lessons, he was attentive and participated in discussions if it wasn't maths, and whenever he opened his mouth the others would pull faces behind his back. Either he didn't notice or he didn't care. At any rate, he never reacted. And when I listened to the bullshit that came out of our classmates' mouths during class, I asked myself what they were doing at a Gymnasium. Maybe they weren't interested in the subject, or they were too stupid to understand what our teachers wanted from them. They might've been good at taking tests, but they certainly weren't good at talking.

I complained to Alexei about them as we walked through the late-summer forest in the afternoon.

“They're total numbnuts,” I huffed. “Just because they managed to get recommended for Gymi they think that they're intelligent, but save a few exceptions, they are all way too fucking stupid.” Looking back, my contempt for my classmates was a sign of unwarranted arrogance. I should've given them a chance, but I was too proud and too fixated on Alexei.

He muttered something, but I'd talked myself into a frenzy and talked over him.

“And how they ignore you! That's just not normal!” I threw my arms up into the air in frustration. I simply couldn't understand how one could ignore a boy like Alexei. “What's their problem anyway? You're, like, a really nice guy.”

“I don't really know to be honest,” he said, kicking a spruce cone and sending it flying into the thicket next to the path. “I've known Kim since primary school, and she couldn't stand me back then either. In the beginning, Julius and Lea used to talk to me, but I just didn't fit in.”

“So Kim riled up the others against you or something? Ugh, this sucks. _They_ suck.” I've always had trouble understanding how people could just decide to antagonise someone for no apparent reason.

“I have other friends,” he said, shrugging.

So he did have friends, unlike what I'd thought at the beginning. I was silently cursing myself for stupidly letting that slip. But if he had friends, then they'd certainly be way cooler than the idiots in our form.

“Would you mind introducing me to them?” I asked. “I think I'll go insane otherwise.”

“Well, they go to different schools, but they live just down the street from my house.”

“It'll probably be a lot better than hanging out with those dumbasses from our form,” I said. I had already noticed that being recommended for Gymnasium didn't have to be a marker for intelligence. Conversely, pupils at a Realschule or Haupschule didn't have to be dumb.

“Well, I'll take you with me next time. We agreed to meet up on the playground tomorrow evening.”

“On the playground?” Well, that sounded... _great_. I think he saw how sceptical I was about this.

“Of course. Karl will bring beer, and we'll sit down on the swings and talk. It's what we always do.”

Said the guy who handed in a perfect summary of the fourth chapter of _Hau ab du Flasche!_ It was a terrible novel about an alcoholic that our German teacher made us read for her class.

“Mrs Merck would be shocked,” I said. “First you read out a perfect book report on _Hau ab du Flasche!_ , and then you spend a Wednesday night drinking, although you have to be at school on Thursday.”

He responded with laughter, and I think that was the moment I started crushing on him. I hadn't heard him laugh before, and it was a sound that resonated somewhere deep within me.

“Well, on school nights we only drink a bottle each and we don't do it _that_ often,” he said, smiling. And that was the final nail in my coffin. His greenish blue eyes were glowing, and the curve of his thin mouth captivated me. It was the first time I ever felt this attracted to anyone, and I barely knew how to react to that. I also didn't know that that was love, or at least the start of something like that. I decided to ignore these feelings for now. Time will tell, or something like that.

When we reached the ruins, Alexei gave me a tour. He knew everything there was to know about Burg Husen – when it was built, when it was abandoned, who used to live there, which parts of the walls belonged to which building... His enthusiasm was infectious. I followed him, sucking up all the information he gave me. I'd never heard of Graf Heinrich before, but on that day I learnt that he resided in Burg Husen and must've had 80 children out of wedlock. It's been years since I visited the ruins with Alexei, and I still remember these useless details. My adolescent brain seemed to have decided that it should remember everything Alexei said in my presence.

We climbed down the steep path to the balcony. From there, you had a wonderful view of Hausach. I could see our school, the Catholic church in the middle of town and the Protestant church next to the train station.

“And that's where the town gate used to be.” Alexei pointed at a smattering of houses directly beneath the ruins.

“Holy shit, first you show me every little detail about this ruin, and now you also know the historical map of Hausach,” I realised. “If I didn't know any better, I'd get the idea that you are a nerd.”

Once again Alexei didn't understand what I was getting at and folded his arms in front of his chest.

“History is interesting,” he said huffily.

“I never said it wasn't,” I defended myself. “But you don't even live here. You only come here because of school.”

“And? Hausach is full of history. There's a museum in the old manor house on the school grounds, and in summer, there are tours of the ruin on Sundays,” he explained, frowning.

He seriously didn't understand where I was going with this, and today I can sympathise with him. I was taking a really roundabout way to express to him that I liked him.

“Honestly, Alexei, I also think this stuff is interesting,” I said, but it was kinda embarrassing, so I added a short “Idiot.”

After that, he looked at me as if he was seeing me for the first time. And there they were again, those feelings that I wanted to ignore. But they demanded my attention. My throat was dry, my eyes were fixed on his, and my stomach was on a roller-coaster ride. The moment seemed to last forever, but I finally managed to turn my head and pointed at a building near our school.

“And what's that?” I asked hastily, but Alexei needed a moment to gather himself.

“Uh, that's a bank...”

 

I have to admit that I knew that as a Muslim I shouldn't drink alcohol, but this knowledge didn't keep me from doing it anyway. After all, Mehdi was Muslim, too, and he was the one who offered me a beer, although Alexei encouraged me to actually take it. Mehdi, Ferdinand and Karl were the friends he'd talked about. With the way we'd gathered on a playground at night, I felt like I was “hanging with the wrong crowd” as my mother used to say. Ferdinand and Mehdi sat on the swings, both of them with a cigarette in the corner of their mouth and a bottle of beer in hand, while Alexei, Karl and I sat on the grass in front of them, also with bottles of beer, but at least without cigarettes.

“My mum keeps nagging me 'cause of the smoking,” Ferdinand said, only to take a deep drag of his cig as if he had to underline that nothing could stop him from smoking. Not even his mother.

“It's your own fault,” Alexei said without batting an eye. “Didn't I tell you that you shouldn't keep the cigarettes in your jacket if you didn't want her to find them?”

“Well, Mr Know-It-All, it's kinda hard to keep track of all the shit that comes out of your mouth,” Ferdi shot back, and I was waiting for Alexei to become angry, but apparently, that was only a thing that happened when _I_ casually insulted him. I didn't know what to make of that.

“You want one?”

I suddenly found myself face to face with Mehdi's cigarette. Alcohol was one thing, but smoking was out of question. I'd never thought that anyone would ever offer me a cigarette, and the pictures of smoker's lungs they'd shown us in Year 6 had been off-putting enough. But I didn't want to embarrass myself in front of these people, so I acted like I'd already tried to smoke once.

“Nah,” I said, trying to sound unimpressed. “That stuff makes me vomit.”

In hindsight, that was a pretty embarrassing reason not to smoke, but it worked nonetheless. Mehid just shrugged and smoked the cigarette himself.

During the course of the next couple of evenings, I realised that Alexei's group of friends was the best thing that could've happened to me. This wasn't the “wrong crowd” that I'd initially feared. They were a little rough around the edges, but they cared about each other. They did drink together now and then, but never in excess. Nobody was ever forced to participate in anything. But most importantly, Alexei was a lot more relaxed around Ferdi and the others. As time went by Alexei also started opening up to me and eventually started laughing at the stupid jokes I made, even if it was just the two of us. And I loved hearing him laugh.

But I refused to admit to myself that I was in love. Alexei was just my best friend, nothing more and nothing less.

 

I was ecstatic when a week later Alexei invited me to his place. I was a little nervous, but also curious about his family. I'd heard about his little sisters Anastasia and Irina (though he usually called them Nastya and Ira). His mother was Russian and worked at a small neighbourhood shop. She was trying to find work, but couldn't, although she'd studied German in St Peterburg to become a teacher. Alexei's father was a construction worker and constantly worked overtime to keep the family afloat, so he wasn't there when I first entered the flat of the Schmitt family.

Inside, I realised that the financial troubles of Alexei's family went deeper than I'd initially thought. Their furniture looked extremely worn and like it had been repaired multiple times. In a corner of the hallway, the wallpaper was peeling due to water damage. Alexei's room was the smallest one. His bed, closet and desk barely fit inside. You could maybe fit a mattress for guests on the floor, but you'd really have to squeeze it in. But at least he had a room to himself, unlike Irina and Anastasia who had to share.

I think Alexei was scared that I'd laugh at his living situation since he kept looking at me with a challenge in his eyes after giving me a short tour. It was like he wanted to dare me to say something. But I knew exactly how it felt not to have enough money to buy a new chair when the old one collapses beneath you. So I said nothing and simply went into the kitchen when Alexei's mother called us to lunch.

Mrs Schmitt had made Borscht and remembered to leave out the pork for me. Apparently, she'd decided to feed me up or something, and I wasn't going to complain. I'd never eaten Russian food before, and I liked it, so I let her ladle seconds and thirds onto my plate.

Meanwhile, Nastya bombarded me with numbers. I had no idea what was going on with Alexei's youngest sister, but she seemed fascinated with my ability to perform mental arithmetic pretty quickly. In contrast, Ira was very quiet most of the time. Her gaze, however, weighed on my shoulders. It felt like she spent every second of lunch staring at me, which was quite uncomfortable, to be honest.

Alexei was also quiet, focusing more on his food than on the conversation. But sometimes a small smile would quirk at the corner of his lips, belying that impression. I think he was glad that I got along with his family.

 

At the beginning of October, after my mother had received her unemployment benefits, we went to a second-hand shop and bought a bed frame for me. I took the opportunity to finally invite Alexei to my place, although I was plagued by worry of how my mother would react to him.

I could barely sit still during lessons, which Alexei seemed to find amusing. I wanted to tell him that it wouldn't be funny to talk to my mother, but I would've had to open my mouth to do that, and I was unable to do so because my nerves were acting up.

Thank god that my mother only spoke really broken German and that Alexei didn't understand Turkish. I'd actually managed to forget that my mother couldn't interrogate him because of the language barrier. Instead, her eyes zeroed in on his badly dyed hair when she greeted us. With a forced smile, she asked about our day at school.

“Everything was great!” I replied hastily. “We'll go to my room now.”

I then forcefully manoeuvred Alexei through the door and closed it behind us. I leaned against it, heaving a sigh of relief.

“Your mother's... nice.”

“Yeah yeah... At least she couldn't grill you, because you don't know Turkish,” I replied tiredly and let myself fall onto my bed.

“What do you mean?” he asked, sitting down on my badly repaired desk chair.

“Well, every time I have Turkish friends over she interrogates them. School, hobbies, whether they smoke and drink... She doesn't want me to hang with the wrong crowd.”

“Uh, you probably shouldn't introduce Mehdi to her then.”

Alexei definitely had a point there. Mehdi was a great guy but you could smell his trail of cigarette smoke from a kilometre away.

“Not planning on it,” I sighed. “I think she'll ask me about you once you leave.”

“Then please don't tell her that I talked you into drinking beer last week.” He smiled nervously.

“Don't worry,” I assured him, “I don't wanna get lectured either.”

 

 _«That Alexei,»_ my mother said during dinner, _«what are his grades like?»_

 _«I have no idea. Mrs Merck still hasn't returned last weeks essay to us,»_ I replied. _«But he actively participates in class.»_

My mother nodded. _«_ _What's with the hair?_ _»_

I snorted into my rice. I'd expected that question. _«_ _No idea, but I don't care about what he does with his hair as long as he's nice to me._ _»_

She nodded again and returned her focus to her food. I would've expected even more questions, about his parents maybe, but I think she was too tired. Like Mrs Schmitt, she spent most of her time seeking work. And if a woman that could speak German fluently and even had a German last name couldn't find a good job, then it was obvious that it must've been twice as hard for my mother.

 

When we finally got back our essays, I couldn't believe my eyes. Below Alexei's text, there was a huge red 4 with a comment from Mrs Merck that she wanted to see him after her lesson.

Somehow this didn't fit the image of Alexei that I had created in my mind. He was intelligent, did his homework diligently and always knew everything. In utter disbelief, I looked up and wanted to ask him what was going on, but he just shook his head and shoved his essay into his bag. This was the first lesson since I met him in which he did not participate. He just sat there and took notes, but never bothered putting his hand up when our teacher asked a question. He didn't look at me and didn't react when I started writing little messages on pieces of paper that I had torn from my workbook. Instead, he stubbornly stared at the blackboard.

After the lesson, he immediately got up and went to the teacher's desk. I remained in my seat, watching the scene play out in front of me. Our German teacher talked to him quietly, and Alexei simply stood there, completely lifeless and never showing a reaction. I wouldn't have been surprised if he hadn't even listened. When the bell rang, announcing the end of our short break, our form teacher had a resigned look on her face. She packed her things and left, leaving Alexei to go back to his seat next to me.

“Everything alright?” I asked, but our English teacher had already entered the classroom and told us to be quiet.

During the next two hours of English, Alexei also didn't participate, and I sat next to him, desperately trying to find a reason for what was happening.

This was not Alexei. Something was extremely off and that scared me. I'd thought that I had come to know him quite well in the past three weeks, but it looked like I was mistaken. While Mr Fangrat wrote down important vocabulary for the next test, I decided to confront Alexei in our fifteen-minute break.

As soon as the bell rang, I grabbed his wrist and pulled him out into the schoolyard. Below the glass corridor that connected our school to the vocational school, I turned around to face him.

“How did you manage to get a 4?” I asked. “Even I have 3 and I didn't even read the fucking book!”

Alexei pulled an annoyed grimace. “Just leave me alone,” he grumbled, putting his hands into the pockets of his jacket. “It's enough that Mrs Merck is bothering me again...”

“Again? So this happened before?” I prodded, but Alexei remained silent. “Dude, come on! You can talk to me! Is it because you're dyslexic or something?”

That made him laugh, but it sounded rather humourless. “That would be nice,” he sighed. “I have exam anxiety.”

“What?!” I couldn't believe it. “ _You_ have exam anxiety?”

“Yes, I do,” he muttered icily, kicking a pebble that was lying on the ground in front of him. It hit me in the shin. “As soon as I have to sit down for a test my brain shuts down and everything goes to shit.”

I was honestly shocked. “There's got to be something you can do about this.”

“The teachers have tried everything, my parents have tried everything, _I_ have tried every goddamn thing,” he growled angrily. “Nothing works.”

That I couldn't accept. Nothing about this was okay.

“I'll help you,” I promised him. “We'll study together until you know everything by heart and backwards in your sleep.”

A small smile appeared on his face, but it was sceptical and resigned instead of hopeful. It broke my heart and fuelled my resolve to help him. Although I'd tried to tell myself that I wasn't in love with Alexei, I'd finally reached a point of no return and had to face the truth.

Alexei unwittingly stole my heart and he would hold on to it tightly for a long time.

 


	3. How I learnt to live without a heart

It took quite a while until I could admit to myself that Alexei wasn't the exception. He wasn't the only boy I found attractive, but he was certainly the only one whom I wanted to date at the time. Despite that, I still had no inclinations of actively pursuing him. At the time, I was completely fine with being his friend. If being his friend could do its part to make him happy, then that was enough for me.

As time went on, we developed a bunch of routines. We'd bunker off in one of our rooms before tests and exams to study like maniacs, we'd meet up with Mehdi and the others a couple of times a week, and we'd travel to and from school together every day.

I also got to know Alexei's family better, especially Ira. She started hanging out with us on the playground more often. Alexei wasn't very happy with that, probably because he felt responsible for her and didn't like having to keep an eye on her. But since none of us ever thought of sharing our cigarettes and beer with her, there wasn't much to worry about. I think worrying is normal, though, if you have younger siblings. Looking at how much Cem worried about my mother and how Alexei was always there for his little sisters, I also wished to have a big brother (though that was obviously impossible).

 

One night, Alexei pulled me aside and looked at me with a deeply serious facial expression.

“I think Ira has a crush on you,” he said, making my hair stand on end.

“Holy shit, no,” I replied, vehemently shaking my head. “No offence, dude, your sister's nice and everything, but I'm not into little girls.” Well, she wasn't exactly a “little girl” with her fourteen years, but I wasn't into girls at all. But that wasn't something I was comfortable sharing with him, so I added, “Especially if she's my best friend's sister.”

“Oh... Okay. That's fine then,” he replied with a smile, and my lovesick brain imagined that maybe he was hoping that I was into him instead. That thought was obviously absurd, but a guy can dream.

 

In November, it was Alexei's birthday, and he invited me and his other friends. Together with his entire family, we sat around the table, ate pelmeni and drank tea. Well, we drank what his mother called tea.

“Have you ever had Turkish tea?” I asked Mrs Schmitt after taking a first disappointing sip.

“No, I haven't.” She shook her head.

“We need to change that,” Mehdi decided.

“Yeah, I'll bring some next time,” I agreed, nodding.

“I'd like that. Should I bring out the cake already?” Alexei's mother asked. There was lots of nodding all around the table, so Mrs Schmitt went to get the cake.

“Alyosha, please help me with the plates,” she said, and Alexei got up to give her a hand. It took me a moment to understand that Mrs Schmitt had just called her son Alyosha.

“Alyosha?” I asked sceptically.

“That's a cutesy Russian nickname for Alexei,” Nastya explained helpfully. “Like Nastya for Anastasia and Ira for Irina.”

“ _Cutesy nickname_ ” I repeated, enjoying the way the words rolled off my tongue. Not that Alexei was particularly cute, but he had his moments.

“Oh god, please don't,” Alexei groaned, putting down a plate in front of me.

“Don't worry _Alyosha_ , I won't,” I replied, grinning. Karl, who was sitting between me and Ira, started laughing uncontrollably.

“You always wanted a nickname, Alexei,” he quipped.

“I hate you both,” Alyosha shot back, but there was resignation in his voice.

It didn't take long to notice that I and his mother were the only people who ever used his nickname. Strangely, that fact made me kinda happy. He was _my_ Alyosha, and I didn't want to share him with anyone else.

 

The next months with Alyosha were dominated by secret pining and overwhelming happiness at having found my best friend ever in such a small town. Our friendship just worked somehow, without having to put too much effort into it. He trusted me, and I revelled in feeling like he actually needed me to be there for him. I would always lend him an ear when he was in a bad mood because he didn't see his father very often or because his mother still hadn't found a job.

But I was scared of opening up in return. I wanted Alyosha to think that I was strong, although I couldn't even protect my mother from my father. Heck, I couldn't even protect myself! And as months went by without hearing from my father, I started growing nervous. More than once I woke up covered in sweat despite the cold December temperatures in my room. There'd be vague memories of nightmares in which my father towered over me and kicked me lingering and making it near impossible to fall asleep again.

On New Year's Eve, I went to visit Uncle Cem and his family. My mother had finally found temporary work as a cleaning lady at the hospital in Wolfach and couldn't come with me. It was a bit of a bummer, but on the other hand, I was glad, because it gave me an opportunity to talk to Cem without being overheard. We went out on the balcony together after most people had run out of firecrackers and other fireworks.

 _«Do you like your new school?»_ he asked, rubbing his hands for warmth.

 _«I guess. I made friends with the guy who sits next to me,»_ I said and sat down on one of the white plastic chairs. My butt immediately started growing cold, but it was more comfortable than standing around.

 _«That's nice.»_ Cem also grabbed a chair and sat down next to me. _«Have you found any other friends?»_

_«Well, Alyosha basically integrated me into his group of friends. But the others attend Realschule and vocational school.»_

My uncle nodded and looked up into the starlit night sky. _«I'm glad that you don't seal yourself off like your mother does. What she does isn't healthy.»_ He shrugged, smiling weakly. _«But I can also understand her. After the shit Adnan put her through...»_

Every time I heard my father's name, an icy shiver ran down my spine, but that was probably due to the tone people used when they referred to him and not because of the actual name.

 _«I'm scared to tell Alyosha about him,»_ I admitted what had been bothering me for weeks. Cem threw me a worried look.

_«Why are you scared?»_

_«Because... Because I don't want him to think I'm weak.»_

That made him chuckle. _«You were still a child back then. You did what you could. I'm proud of you for having had the courage to talk to me back then.»_

After I'd shown up at his doorstep crying my eyes out, Cem was the one who'd thrown my father out of our flat and convinced my mother to file for a divorce. Everything Cem did, he did for his family. Honour and all that bullshit didn't matter to him, not like in those fucked up cases you hear about in the media. He wanted us to be safe, and I'm still thankful for that to this day.

_«But I still can't protect Mum.»_

_«That's not your job. Wait until you're done with school, and then you can help her, okay?»_

I nodded, although I didn't like it. I wanted to be there for her _now_. I wanted to make it possible for the both of us to stay in Wolfach. Not just because of Alyosha, but also because my mother had finally found work, even if it was a badly paid temp job. In Karlsruhe, she'd never found a job at all.

Cem then changed the topic of our conversation. And if the previous one had been uncomfortable, the new one was downright embarrassing.

 _«So... Any girls caught your eye yet?»_ he asked, grinning. I blushed furiously and didn't know how to answer that question. I obviously had my eyes on someone, but that someone was certainly not a girl. I didn't want to lie to him but saying the truth was too scary.

 _«Come on. I won't tell your mother, I promise,»_ he said and prodded my side with his elbow.

_«I don't wanna talk about it.»_

_«So you're in love?»_ he tried to dig deeper. I'd totally forgot that he could be this curious.

_«Yes.»_

_«Is she pretty?»_

I was fighting an internal battle. There was no way I could just tell my uncle that I was gay. What if he'd kick me out of the family? I didn't even want to imagine that scenario! But then again, I _couldn't_ imagine it. Cem wouldn't do something like that. He was a lot more religious than me, but he wasn't a stereotype either. I had no evidence of him being as homophobic as the media always made us Muslims out to be. Cem had always managed to be religious and open-minded at the same time. He was the kind of person who liked family traditions but also tried to fit in with the society around him. Most importantly, he loved his family the way it was. Me included.

_«Oh come on, Devrim.»_

_«You'll keep this a secret, right?»_ I asked, sinking deeper into my chair. Despite the cold air, I felt feverish.

_«I promise.»_

_«I... I kinda... h-have a c-crush on Alyosha,»_ I stuttered out. Silence fell around us because I was unable to say another word. I squeezed my eyes shut and waited for the angry outburst that was bound to happen any moment. Goodness, what had I been thinking? At that moment, I would've rather jumped off the balcony than wait for my uncles reaction a second longer.

_«Well, that explains a bunch of things.»_

Confused, I looked up at him. Contemplating, he put his head back and scratched his beard.

 _«What... what does it explain?»_ I stammered, tightly gripping onto the armrests of my chair.

 _«Well, how you've never talked about girls ever,»_ he replied, shrugging. _«So... What's that boy like? What did he do to make you fall for him?»_

I couldn't resist the urge to hug my uncle, I was so relieved. Laughing, he patted my back and reciprocated the hug.

 _«Thanks,»_ I whispered, overwhelmed with emotion. “Thank you.”

_«As long as you didn't inherit your mother's taste in guys, I honestly don't care who you're with.»_

That wasn't something I could take for granted, and so I tightened my grip on him, which only made him laugh harder.

 _«Come on, let go of me and tell me about Alyosha,»_ he said, carefully pushing me away. I sat back down on my chair and told him everything, from the awkward beginning to the almost perfect present, and Cem listened. It was nice, being able to get all these feelings off my chest.

Around four o'clock my aunt interrupted our conversation, telling us to come back inside before we'd catch a cold.

 

Cem never told me what to do about Alyosha. He said that he didn't know the guy and thus couldn't know how he'd react to anything.

So in that regard, I still had to figure things out on my own. It took a couple of months of increasingly bad nightmares for me to decide to tell my best friend about my childhood.

June had already come, so we studied for the last tests of the school year in Alyosha's room. I'd barely been able to shut my eyes the night before. Nightmares about my father had been interrupted by waking hours during which I imagined Alyosha's reaction to my weakness. It was without a doubt one of the worst nights I had spent in Wolfach.

“Is everything alright?”Alyosha asked once he noticed my spaced out behaviour. “Did you fight with your mother?”

“Nah... I...” I looked at him, and he looked back with worry. He actually cared about me. He wasn't indifferent towards me. He wouldn't hurt me, so I put aside my history textbook and took a deep breath. “I haven't told you why we moved here yet, have I?”

He nodded.

I don't know why he'd never asked me about it on his own, but I never resented him for it. Actually, I was kinda thankful for that because I would probably have lied to him if he'd been as curious as our classmates. I don't think he ever noticed the wild rumours that were making their rounds at school since nobody bothered to talk to him about them. Not that anybody ever directly mentioned anything to me, but I'd been unable to shut my ears to the whispered conversations that went on behind my back. They speculated about why I had moved to the Black Forest, about why I wore baggy clothes and why I had little to no presence on the internet, but I never felt like telling anybody the truth.

Alyosha, however, deserved to know.

“It's a long story,” I said, pulling my knees closer to my torso. “It starts with my father being quite the asshole. I don't know what my mum thought, marrying a guy like him, but if she hadn't done it, I wouldn't be here, so I can't really complain, huh? Anyway... He sucked at being a husband and father.” Gallows humour and understatement made it easier, but putting the pain my mother and I'd gone through because of him into words was still hard.

“He hit us both,” I recounted, voice quivering. “When I was really young, it wasn't too bad, but he still had a job then. Five years ago, he got sacked, and then it got out of hand.” I showed Alyosha two of the countless scars that were scattered all over my body: the small one on my right temple, and the big one on my left arm.

“How...” He hesitated and looked at me with his big greenish blue eyes. I knew what he wanted to ask.

“One time I tried to run away from one of his outbursts. It only made him angrier, and he pushed me against my closet. My head hit the edge pretty hard. Laceration. They had to stitch me up in the hospital. He told the doctors that I'd run into the door while playing.” My father had always been a masterful liar. “Another time he was furiously beating my mum, and I went between them. We were in the kitchen, I tried to pull him away from her and accidentally hit the pan that was still on the stove. It fell down, directly onto my arm. Second-degree burns.”

There were so many more stories and many more wounds that hadn't received stitches because at some point my father hadn't bothered taking me to the doctor anymore. But I'd already got the point across, and I didn't feel like reliving more terrible memories than absolutely necessary.

“Thankfully, my uncle found out about what was happening in our home.” I left out that I'd been so scared that I'd snapped and run to Cem for help. I didn't care what my uncle said, I'd felt like a coward on that day. “He confronted my father, threw him out of our flat and convinced my mum to divorce him. I'm glad that my mum's brother is more concerned about our safety than all that 'family honour' bullshit.

“The problem was that my father didn't want to give up. He began stalking us. He'd call again and again, demanding that my mother take him back. Fuck.” I sucked in a deep breath of air to keep from shedding tears. “We were so scared, you wouldn't believe me. Every night I lay awake, listening and ready to run, in case he tried to break into our flat. I wouldn't have put it past him. So we moved from Stuttgart to Göppingen. I know it's not that far away from Stuttgart, but we still hoped he wouldn't find us there. But he did. He followed us, somehow managed to get our phone number and once again started harassing us. He waited for me on my way home from school and tried to pull me into his car, but luckily a teacher noticed and stopped him. We moved again after that. This time to Karlsruhe, but even there he found us, so we moved here, hoping that he wouldn't find us out in the sticks. He hasn't so far, but...” I could barely hold back the tears at this point. Fear threatened to suffocate me, like an iron claw that slowly tightened its grip on my throat. “We haven't heard from him in such a long time, and it scares me. I'm scared that he'll find us again,” I choked out, lowering my head.

And then, without any further comment, Alyosha embraced me. He held on to me, and I leaned my head against his shoulder. I regained the ability to breathe, although it was still irregular and interrupted by sobs. A small egotistical part of me wanted him to never let go so that he'd always stay by my side. Realistically, though, that wasn't possible.

I don't know how long we sat on his bed like that, but at some point, I must've fallen asleep. But he never let go of me. When I woke up, my head was still resting on his shoulder, and his arms were still tightly wrapped around me.

I was seriously flustered, extricating myself from his embrace and muttering an apology.

“It's fine,” he said, sounding terribly tired.

We would never speak of that moment ever again.

 

In the last two weeks before the start of summer break, Alyosha acted weird. Usually, he'd at least try to listen to our German teacher, but it seemed like he'd given up on that entirely. More than once, I caught him staring into nothingness during class. Every time I woke him up from his trancelike state, his face would turn a deep red. The colour suited him well.

But then came summer break. My mother I didn't have the money to travel, but Alyosha's family had saved up for a trip to St Petersburg to visit Mrs Schmitt's parents and siblings. For a week, I spent most of my time with Mehdi and Ferdi, since Karl was on vacation at Lake Constance with his family. I think I don't need to tell you who I missed more between Karl and Alyosha.

When I finally saw Alyosha again, it felt like my heart leapt up into my throat. Without thinking, I threw myself at him. To this day I still can't believe that he didn't notice my feelings for him then and there. Instead, he just reciprocated the hug enthusiastically.

“I missed you,” I admitted, cheeks glowing brightly after we pulled away from each other. In return, I received a bright smile that warmed me to the core.

He was oblivious to my feelings, and I wasn't going to tell him about them any time soon.

 

After the break, it got increasingly harder to meet up with everyone. Unlike me and Alyosha, our friends were all done with school and starting their respective apprenticeships. It was kinda sad since I'd really grown to like Mehdi, Ferdi and Karl, but I still had my best friend. How could I have been lonely with Alyosha by my side?

Interestingly, my plan to combat Alyosha's exam anxiety through excessive studying seemed to take fruit at the beginning of Year 11. When our Maths teacher distributed our marked first test, she smiled at Alyosha. He frowned back at her at first, but once he had a closer look at the sheet of paper in front of him, his jaw dropped open.

“And what did you get?” I asked curiously, trying to look at his test over his shoulder.

“I've got a 2,” he said, face and voice completely blank and expressionless. I think he wasn't inclined to believe his own eyes.

“Awesome!” I leaned over to look at the mark and saw Ms Hermann's comment below the huge red 2.

_Very good! You improved a lot compared to last year. Next time you'll get a 1 for sure :)_

“I knew you could do it!” I exclaimed happily. I was happier about Alyosha's 2 than about my own.

As far as I know, he's never had another blackout during a test or exam ever since.

 


	4. How I found a new heart and tore it to pieces

Ferdi was the type of person who always needed an audience for everything. However, he couldn't have cared less about whether his audience was actually listening to him. One day during autumn break, he tried to gather our entire group of friends, but only Alyosha and I had time to spare. Mehdi had to get up early the next day, and Karl had been invited to a co-worker's birthday party. Both of them would've had a lot more interest in what Ferdi had to say, but personally, I didn't really want to hear about his brand-new sex life. He'd recently found a girlfriend and lost his virginity the day before.

“She was kinda shy about it, but I couldn't look away after I'd taken off her bra,” he raved, as we walked through the Flößerpark with him. “I mean... boobs. What else do I have to say?”

_Goodness gracious, I don't think I can take any more of this_ , I thought and tried to tune out Ferdi's voice. Alyosha also seemed to be highly uncomfortable and looked kinda relieved when he noticed that his shoelaces were loose.

“Keep walking. I'll catch up with you,” he said. I would've preferred staying with him to get away from Ferdi, but if I'd stayed, Ferdi would've stayed as well and that would've defeated the purpose. So we continued walking, and I expected to listen to more details about Ferdi's first time with Tanja, but Ferdi had other plans.

“You're in love with Alexei, right?” he asked without preamble. Taken aback, I stared at him with wide eyes. Looking back on this entire scenario, I can see what he'd been trying to do the entire evening, but at the time I couldn't keep up with his thinking.

“You don't have to answer me if you don't want to,” he went on, grinning mischievously, “but I'm certain that Alexei is gay. If I were you, I'd try at least.”

So Ferdi actually thought that Alexei was gay. I turned around and saw my crush getting up and running to catch up with us. In the light of the street lamp, you couldn't see how bad of a job he'd done dyeing his hair, and his features looked sharper than they actually were. If Ferdi turned out to be right, the last couple of months of holding back would've seemed utterly pointless. I didn't know whether or not that was a happy thought.

Alyosha caught up with us, and Ferdi continued talking about Tanja, but he was done talking about sex and started gushing about how much he loved her instead. Ironically, it was suddenly really easy to tune out his chatter. Instead of listening to him, I thought about Alyosha, about how I should tell him that my heart was beating faster whenever he was near me, and how every fibre of my body longed to touch him, and how I was crushing way too hard on him. But I was scared that he wouldn't reciprocate those feelings. And even if he did, there was still the possibility that I'd have to leave him because my father showed up again.

Those thoughts kept me up for the next two nights. I didn't want to hurt Alyosha, and I didn't want to be hurt myself. Both things seemed unavoidable if I told him that I loved him.

But I couldn't stop thinking about Alyosha. At least I wanted to know whether he was gay. If he was, I wouldn't have to feel guilty whenever I woke up from a dream that featured him in a state of complete undress. But for that I needed privacy. In his flat, we'd never be alone, and at the playground or the school grounds, somebody could overhear us quite easily...

The solution to the problem came when my mother told me that she'd go visit my uncle, but I was too scared to invite Alyosha to our flat. I spent an entire Sunday afternoon sitting in front of the phone and debating whether or not to call him until suddenly, it rang. The display showed my uncles telephone number.

_«Hello?»_

_«Devrim?»_ my mother asked.  _«I missed the train to Karlsruhe and that was the last one that connects to Offenburg or Hausach. I'll stay with Cem for another night. I think you can manage breakfast on your own tomorrow?»_

_«Of course, I'll manage. I'm not a child anymore,»_ I huffed.

_«I know. Take care.»_

_«You take care.»_

After hanging up, I held on to the phone. My fingers were itching to dial Alyosha's number. We'd have all the time in the world to talk about how we were both into guys without my mother ever interrupting us.

So I finally gathered all my courage and called him.

“Irina Schmitt,” Alyosha's little sister answered the phone.

“Hey Ira, this is Devrim. Is Alexei home?” I asked immediately.

“Aah, so you wanna talk to _Alyosha._ ” She clearly enjoyed teasing me, and I suddenly had the feeling that she knew exactly what was up. But I wasn't dumb enough to rise to her provocation. Maybe I was imagining things, and this was just her weird way of flirting with me. I mean, according to her brother she had a thing for me after all!

“Just give him the phone.”

“Alexei!” she yelled, not moving the phone away from her mouth. It hurt my ears.

“What?” I heard his voice, muffled by the distance.

“Devrim,” was everything Ira had to say, and she handed the phone to her brother.

“Hello?”

“Hey, Alyosha! Would you like to come over to my place?”

For a moment there was silence, and then I realised that I'd never actually invited Alyosha to come over like this, not without a pretence of wanting to study. Usually, if I wanted to see him, or if he wanted to see me, we'd just walk the two blocks that separated us and show up on the other's doorstep.

“Uh... Now?”

“Yeah.” I had no idea how to explain myself properly without embarrassing myself.

“Okay, I'll come over in a couple of minutes,” he said, without asking further questions.

“Great. See you in a bit.”

“See you.”

I put the phone back in its cradle and took a couple of calming breaths. I'd just ask him whether Ferdi was right or not. Nothing more and nothing less. That was my plan, and I would stick to it. No big love confessions.

When Alyosha entered the flat a couple of minutes later, I wasn't so sure whether I could actually do that though.

“Where's your mum?” he asked while taking off his shoes. Of course, he'd noticed that she wasn't here since she usually would've immediately come to see who had entered her flat.

“She's visiting my uncle in Stuttgart,” I explained. “She just called, saying that she missed her train. She'll stay another night.” It was hard to keep proper eye contact because I suddenly felt guilty. I'd played the best friend for months without ever telling him that I wanted more. Not that I didn't want to be his friend, I was happy being his friend, but it was only half the truth.

We went to my room and sat down on my bed. That was routine.

I scraped together every last bit of courage inside of me before breaching the subject of Ferdi's suspicions about us.

“Two days ago, when we were out with Ferdi...” I said quietly, staring at my hands. Nervously, I licked my dry lips, trying to find words that didn't sound like I was trying to insult Alyosha.

“Yes?” he insisted.

“Well... that one time you stopped to tie your laces...” _You can do this, Devrim_ , I told myself. “Ferdi said that you're gay...”

“How the fuck did he find out?!” Alyosha blurted out, interrupting me. I stared at him in wonder. So Ferdi had been right? But Alyosha was already covering his mouth with both hands as if he'd only noticed just now what he'd admitted about himself.

“He told me that he wasn't sure but... You're actually gay?”

He let his hands sink into his lap and nodded.

And then I felt an overwhelming urge to kiss him. I couldn't resist leaning forward and pressing my lips against Alyosha's.

For a short, unbelievably beautiful moment he kissed back. I was so close to melting into a happy little puddle, but then he suddenly stiffened up. His hands roughly pushed me back.

“Devrim...” he started, pupils wide, voice shaking. I simply shook my head. I didn't want to hear it. I didn't want to hear that he was gay but not into me. I knew that I was just his best friend, and people don't make out with their best friends. But then he closed his eyes again and leaned forward, mouth slightly opened.

It was a silent invitation that I couldn't refuse. As our lips met for the second time he didn't push me away, instead, he pulled me closer. I was on cloud nine. I had no idea what he'd wanted to say, but it clearly wasn't supposed to be a rejection. Whatever his feelings towards me were, they _felt_ like love. Or lust at the least, because every single one of my actions was met with a passionate reaction.

I carded through his short hair with one hand while the other wandered below his sweater, making him gasp for air. Our eyes met, and from then on, there was no stopping us.

We didn't exactly think about what we were doing. It just happened. He kissed me again and I pushed his sweater up. He lifted his arms – a silent command to take it off that I instantly obeyed. He let himself fall back onto the bed, pulling me with him so that I had to brace myself on the mattress next to his head.

We only halted, when we noticed that neither of us had condoms. Neither of us wanted to stop though, so we restricted ourselves to handjobs. It still felt incredible. Doing this with someone else, with Alyosha, felt doubly intense, despite the initial awkwardness of having to adjust to a new angle.

In the end, we collapsed into each other's arms.

“Holy shit, Devrim...” Alyosha whispered breathlessly. I kissed his temple. Cloud nine was an understatement. I'd just had sex with the most amazing human being in all of existence. I cuddled up to him, and he put his head on my chest, breathing heavily. I was flooded with so many emotions that I could barely distinguish them, let alone tell Alyosha about them. I was happy, close to euphoric, relieved, contented, utterly in love... I had no idea how to put that into words, and so I said nothing.

But I think there was some kind of silent understanding between us since he stayed with me after a short clean up. For hours, we remained in my room, cuddling on my bed. Now and then we'd exchange short kisses until Alyosha finally sat up.

“I... I think I should head home. School starts again tomorrow,” he said and started looking for his clothes.

I nodded, though I was loath to admit that he was right. I followed his lead and got dressed to accompany him out the front door.

“Sleep well,” I told him, bidding him goodbye with a kiss on his forehead. He smiled at me shyly before turning around and walking down the staircase.

 

The next morning hit me with the realisation that I wasn't a virgin anymore. It was a strange thought because I didn't feel particularly different than before. I might've been a little happier, though I would attribute that to the fact that Alyosha seemed to accept my feelings for him. I couldn't know for sure since I hadn't asked him, and I also hadn't told him what my feelings were exactly. But I couldn't imagine that Alyosha wouldn't be able to count two and two together after what had happened last night. Why should I have jumped him like that if I hadn't been in love with him?

Accordingly, I was in a great mood when I waited for him at a street corner, so we could walk to the station together. His face turned red when he saw me, and he averted his gaze.

I looked around to see if the coast was clear and kissed him in greeting.

“Good morning,” I said, grinning.

“Morning,” he replied, sounding a little surprised. He also cautiously checked our surroundings before pecking my cheek. Afterwards, I felt like I could float, because I felt light as a feather.

Alyosha cleared his throat and said that we should leave before we missed our train.

That day, school was both a blessing and a curse. On the one hand, I could spend the entire day in Alyosha's presence, on the other hand, we were never alone, and I had to keep a distance that annoyed me. I finally knew how it felt like to be close to him, and I wanted to experience that again. The pining looks and small touches we allowed ourselves in relatively private moments simply weren't enough. And even when we finally left school and went to my flat, we still had no real privacy, because my mother was still at home. So we did our homework until my mother had to leave for work.

As soon as she'd closed the front door behind herself, I basically tackled Alyosha. Laughing, we fell down on my bed and made ourselves comfortable.

“How can a day feel so fucking long?” he asked, taking my face into his hands and kissing me before I had a chance to reply. He'd been just as impatient as me. It was comforting to know that I wasn't the only one who desperately wanted us to be alone together.

Carefully, I let my tongue slip into his mouth. He responded more cautiously than the day before, but soon, every last bit of restraint flew out the window, and he forcefully grabbed the hair at the back of my head. To retaliate I let my hand travel over his back, down to his ass. He let out a surprised squeak as I squeezed it, making me laugh.

“You are so freaking cute,” I whispered into his ear. Alyosha took in a sharp breath and pulled away a little.

“We still don't have condoms,” he said. His facial expression told me that he really wanted to have condoms.

“The pharmacy two blocks over is still open, right?” I asked.

“I think so. Who goes to buy them?”

“You're the one who wants condoms,” I teased, grinning. First, his eyes narrowed, but then a calculated smile appeared on his face. He looked deep into my eyes, biting his lower lip.

“And you don't want any?”

I knew exactly what he was doing, that he was just acting, but that didn't mean he couldn't sway me.

“You're mean,” I growled, getting up and taking my wallet out of my school bag.

“You're easily manipulated,” he shot back, grinning and making himself at home in my bed.

So I went to buy condoms and lube. It wasn't the first time that I'd bought condoms, but there's a difference between buying them with the intention to use them or buying them because you have to hold a presentation for your sex education class at school. I don't know why the biology teacher at my old school thought that it would be a good idea to let pupils handle the different contraceptive methods instead of teaching that part himself, but at least it meant that I was only mildly embarrassed when I entered the pharmacy and told the middle-aged lady behind the counter that I wanted to buy lube and condoms. Still, I wasn't prepared for the lecture that followed.

“It's great that you want to practice safe sex,” she said, grabbing water-based lube and condoms from the shelf behind the counter. “But you should remember that STIs can also be transmitted via oral sex. We sadly don't have any dental dams, but you can just cut up one of those condoms if you want to perform oral sex on your girlfriend.”

I decided to never set foot inside that pharmacy again. I would rather walk through the entire town to buy medicine than to risk ever seeing this woman again. I'm sure she meant well, but that did not make the situation any less mortifying.

Upon returning to my room, I found Alyosha sleeping with his arms wrapped tightly around my pillow. In a way, it was an overwhelming sight – I mean, the cutest boy ever was lying on my bed, of course, my heart rate would pick up because of that – but I was also a little frustrated because I was too nervous to even think about sleep.

His head snapped up as I accidentally banged the door shut behind myself.

“Oh, you're back,” he said, sheepishly scratching the back of his head.

Fuuuuck, why was he so cute? I sat down next to him and kissed his cheek.

“Sleep well?”

“The sheets smell like you,” he mumbled, blushing a deep red. With that, I was done for. I pushed him down on the mattress. He responded by wrapping his arms around my neck, and soon our kisses heated up like wildfire. I was melting into his touch as we got rid of our clothes. His fingers traced the outlines of my scars, causing goosebumps to rise all over my skin. He was the first one to see them all, but he never mentioned them, which I was very grateful for. There was a lot of communication about other things though, about what we enjoyed and what we weren't ready for. Alyosha found it quite amusing that I'd never heard about frottage before, but I refused to be embarrassed. There was no way I could watch porn on the internet when the only computer was in my mother's room.

After we both had reached a pretty mind-blowing climax, I remained seated in his lap, enjoying his warmth and how heavy my limbs felt. Sighing, he started petting my hair and placing kisses on my neck.

It was a nice moment. Peaceful in a way.

 

It wasn't like Alyosha and I started spending more time with each other. The only thing that changed was how we spent our time. On the third day after our fateful first time we'd made plans to study together, but as soon as Alyosha closed his door behind us, he placed his hand on my cheek and pulled me in for a soft kiss. After that, studying was the last thing on our minds. We did open our books, but every five minutes or so, one of us would initiate physical contact until finally we abandoned our homework entirely and spent the rest of the afternoon snogging on Alyosha's bed. We were aware that Alyosha's sisters could potentially interrupt us at any moment, so we didn't go any further than that.

This whole thing wasn't about sex anyway. I was in love and wanted to show him, without actually using the word. I was too scared that he wasn't actually reciprocating my feelings. The fact that he kissed body parts aside from my lips was a nice side effect, though.

 

Ferdi instantly noticed that there was something different about Alyosha and me when he saw us the next time. When Mehdi and Karl were distracted by Alyosha's attempt to run down the slide without slipping an falling on his face, Ferdi asked me about it.

“So? Did you tell him that you like him?” he whispered curiously.

“We had sex,” I replied truthfully, earning myself a pat on the shoulder.

“I told you so,” he said, grinning proudly. I don't think he realised that Alyosha and I had never talked about feelings.

But I ignored that completely. I'd never been this happy before and didn't want to ruin that with useless worrying.

 

Alyosha's seventeenth birthday passed by like a dream. In the afternoon, after we'd returned from school, we drank tea and ate cake with his family, and in the evening Alyosha, Ferdi, Mehdi, Karl and I sat in the living room and watched _Evolution_. Alyosha and I sat next to each other, and by the time the credits rolled around, our hands were entwined, and he was leaning against my shoulder. Ferdi threw us a knowing grin, which prompted Alyosha to let go of my hand, and then everyone left for home, except me.

His parents had prepared a mattress on the floor of his room for me, but we ignored it in favour of Alyosha's bed and took advantage of the fact that his room was the farthest away from the other bedrooms and that everyone else was asleep already.

That night we had penetrative sex for the first time. I'd experimented before, so I offered to bottom. It was weird at first, but Alyosha knew my tells already and used that to our advantage. He was so sweet and gentle, constantly asking if I was okay and making sure I was comfortable. I still remember the way Alyosha looked at me that night. His lovely eyes were so warm. Just thinking about it sends shivers down my spine.

Afterwards, he helped me clean up with a warm washcloth and wrapped me up in his blanket.

“Happy birthday,” I mumbled sleepily.

“Was that my birthday present?” he teased (he'd already received the newest instalment in his favourite series of novels in the afternoon).

“You're so funny.” I rolled my eyes and extended my arms towards him. “Now come and lie down.”

Alyosha kissed my cheek and did as he was told, making himself comfortable next to me.

“You know I... Well... I wouldn't have thought that you would... I mean you actually offered...” He stopped, burying his face in his pillow. “Forget it.”

“You thought I was too much of a macho to let you do me?” is what I gathered from his mumbling. He nodded, groaning.

“Well, you thought wrong.”

He shrugged and cuddled up to me. We stayed like that for a while.

“Devrim...”

“Hm?”

“Next time...”

“Next time?”

“You'll do me...”

Like I was going to argue with that. Smiling, I brushed aside a black strand of hair and kissed his forehead.

It was the only night I could properly spend in his arms. I'll probably remember it for the rest of my life.

 

“We haven't been to the ruins in a while,” Alyosha said as he was leafing through the school paper one morning.

“It's a little too cold for that, isn't it?”

He shrugged and pointed at the warm jacket that was hanging over the backrest of my chair.

“We just need to dress appropriately.”

“That's definitely the Russian in you talking,” I said, and he replied by punching my arm.

“Do you have any better plans for what we could do after school today?” he asked, putting aside the paper.

“Not really.”

At least it wasn't raining as we went on our hike after our afternoon classes were done. I'd pulled up my scarf over my nose to avoid the cold November winds, but Alyosha didn't seem to mind the cold. He walked beside me with his face totally exposed. The black tips of his hair peaked out from under his green beanie, and his cheeks were flushed pink. I could barely take my eyes off him.

As we arrived at the top, we immediately climbed down to our favourite place on the balcony.

I almost slipped on the stones, and if Alyosha hadn't reached out to steady me, I would've faceplanted on the rocky ground. “Holy shit, you could break your neck up here once it snows!”

“That's why I wanted to come here before it gets all icy,” Alyosha said, leaning against the wall and pulling me in for a kiss. His lips were rough and chapped from the cold air, but I couldn't imagine a more beautiful moment than that. My heart was beating out of my chest when he pulled away and looked into my eyes. A small town stretched out below us, and a cloudy, grey sky above. Up here I'd fallen in love, and now I could finally call him my boyfriend.

“I'm glad I met you,” he whispered, touching his forehead to mine.

“I'm glad, too.”

That was probably the closest we got to a confession, because the next night, everything would go to shit.

 

After dinner, my mother was doing the washing up when suddenly the phone rang.

_«Could you pick up, my hands are wet,»_ she said. I put down the plate I was drying and went into the hallway to get the phone.

If I'd looked at the display, I would've seen an unknown number. and then I would have never actually answered the call. But I'd become reckless.

“Devrim Sadik,” I said, and all I got for an answer at first was a gasp.

“Devrim?”

That voice... It was like ice running down my spine.

_«Is that you Devrim? I finally found you! Your whore of a mother can't take you away from me! I'll come and–»_

Shaking off my initial petrification, I ended the call and ran into the kitchen. _«He found us!»_

I didn't need to say more. The glass my mother was holding splashed back into the sink. Shakily, she dried her hands and took the phone from me to call Cem.

I stood next to her the entire time and tried not to think about what all of this meant. After finishing the call with Cem, my mother told me to pack my things. We'd leave Wolfach in a couple of hours.

I piled the textbooks on my desk as always, so that Cem could return them to the school when he came to pick up our furniture. Everything else, I threw into all the bags I owned. I moved mechanically, not thinking about what went into which bag because my mind was occupied with thoughts about Alyosha. I couldn't leave without saying goodbye to him.

As soon as I'd cleared out my closet and shelves, I sneaked out into the hallway. My mother was still busy packing, so she didn't notice how I left the flat. Once I'd closed the front door behind me, I ran as fast as I could. It was freezing outside, but I'd forgot to bring a jacket. I didn't care though, because all I wanted was to see Alyosha.

I didn't want to wake his family, so I had to throw pebbles against his window, hoping that they'd wake him up. It was already past midnight. I hadn't noticed how long it took to pack my things.

When Alyosha finally appeared in the window, he looked concerned. “What the fuck is going on?”

“Help me inside and I'll tell you,” was my reply. At least his flat was on the ground floor, so it didn't take too much effort to climb through his window. He held out his hand for me, pulling me inside.

“You're not wearing a jacket!” His voice was laced with worry, and he immediately manoeuvred me into his bed. I only noticed how cold I was when I was wrapped up in his blanket.

“My father found us,” I explained, half choked by tears. “He called and said that he's coming to get us.”

Shock was spelt out in big letters across his face, and he didn't hesitate to embrace me. Shaking, I rested my head on his shoulder.

“We'll have to move again...” A violent sob shook my entire body. “I don't want to leave.”

Most importantly I didn't want to leave him. I wanted to stay with him forever. To make that even clearer, I clung to him, making the blanket fall off my shoulders.

He brushed his fingers through my hair, kissing me ever so softly. At first, I didn't notice the tears streaming down Alyosha's face. He was hurting because of me. I'd never wanted to do this to him, but leaving without saying a word would've been worse. I was forced to break his heart, and in the process, I destroyed my own.

And then the most egotistical thought I'd ever had in my entire life took hold of me. I wanted Alyosha to remember me for the rest of his life because I would surely do the same.

So I ignored the tears and kissed him passionately. A choked noise left his throat, but he reciprocated everything I threw at him. We already knew each other's bodies like our own, knew when to be gentle and when to be rough. His pulse was beating beneath my lips as his hands made their way down from my shoulders to my hips, finally reaching the button of my jeans. I helped him push down the garment and made short process of his boxer shorts.

“Condoms?” I asked, and he leaned down to fetch them from below his bed, alongside the lube. And for the next half hour, I managed to forget that I had to leave him.

I practically gave myself to Alyosha. In the beginning, he was as careful as ever, but when I wrapped my legs around his waist, he lost any resemblance of self-control. I had to bite my lips so I wouldn't moan and wake up his entire family.

After we'd reached our climax, he whispered my name, and then we just lay there until our breathing was back to normal. Feeling his weight on me was calming, but as soon as he rolled off of me to take care of the condom I knew that it was over.

Alyosha had barely come back to bed when the tears came back again. He wiped them away with his thumbs and kissed me one last time.

 


	5. How I learnt to deal with the pain

There were still tears in my eyes when I jumped out of Alyosha's window. But fear and helplessness had turned into fierce anger. I wanted to scream, to destroy something, destroy _my father_ , but I knew that I would never be able to do that. I threw one last look over my shoulder, but Alyosha was already gone from the window.

And so I ran back to a flat that I would see for the last time that night.

Opening the door, I was greeted by my mother.

_«Where have you been?»_ she asked, hugging me desperately.  _«Don't make me worry like that!»_

_«I... I said goodbye to Alexei,»_ I croaked out, making her pull me closer.

_«I'm so sorry, but we can't stay.»_

She knew that Alyosha was important to me, but she had no idea about the scope of these feelings. She didn't know that I'd never felt so much love for someone else.

_«I know,»_ I said, swallowing heavily.  _«That's why I had to say goodbye to him.»_

Her hands brushed through my hair softly. _«Cem called. He's on his way now.»_

Those were some good news at least.

_«Where will we go?»_

_«He found some old family friends in Lörrach. They're willing to take us in until we've found a flat there.»_

 

As Cem's car left the Sommerbergtunnel, my eyes fell on Burg Husen, which had been lit up by spotlights that night. I saw that little balcony where Alyosha and I had kissed each other two weeks ago. My throat was tight, and when the ruin disappeared from my field of vision, everything went blurry. I curled up in the back seat and tried to suppress the sobs, so I wouldn't worry my mother. My father always destroyed everything, and I was powerless against him.

I don't know when exactly I fell asleep, but I had a crick in my neck when Cem shook my shoulders to wake me up.

_«We've arrived,»_ he said quietly. I rubbed my burning eyes with one hand, massaging my aching neck with the other as I got out of the car. It was still dark outside. He led me and my mother into the Teke family's flat. To me they were strangers, but my mother knew Mrs Teke from way back. They'd grown up in Turkey together. They immediately hugged each other, quietly whispering things I was too tired to understand, while Cem and Mr Teke discussed where we should sleep.

_«Nuray and you can take the couches in our living room,»_ Mr Teke told him,  _«and I prepared an air mattress in Erdem's room for Devrim.»_

So I'd sleep in the room of a boy whom I'd never met before. Cem looked slightly amused which I wouldn't really understand until I'd find out about Enise, Erdem's little sister. I know exactly what my uncle must've thought at that moment, and I'm glad that he kept his mouth shut instead of voicing those thoughts. I don't think I could've forgiven him if he'd revealed that I was gay.

So I was brought to Erdem's room, where a boy my age was sitting on his bed, looking drowsy and utterly clueless about what was going on right now.

_«Erdem, this is Devrim,»_ his father explained. _«He and his mother will stay with us until they've found a flat.»_

With that, we were left alone.

“It's four in the morning,” Erdem stated matter-of-factly. “Why am I getting a roommate at four in the morning?”

“Because my father is an asshole, and he'll probably kill me and my mother someday,” I snapped and sat down on the mattress which made an unfortunate creaking noise on the hardwood floor.

My comment certainly didn't help clear Erdem's confusion. “Dude. That's not funny.”

“It wasn't supposed to be funny. If this was a joke, I'd still be with my friends in Wolfach, goddamnit,” I growled and started getting ready for bed.

Erdem continued to stare at me. “And why would your father want to kill you?”

“Because he's a lunatic, I don't know!” I snarled. I was not in the mood for any of this crap. I grabbed a pair of old sweatpants from my bag, put them on and lay down on the mattress, which once again caused a creaking sound. “I don't want to talk about this.”

“Calm down, dude.” Erdem rolled his eyes at me. Unlike me, he wanted to continue our conversation. I was about to turn my back to him, but he kept talking. “So your father is chasing you?”

“Honestly, this is none of your fucking business,” I said a little too loudly. He actually shushed me.

“Quiet, or  _ my _ dad will kill us,” he whispered. “And it  _ is _ my business if I'm about to bear witness to a murder.”

Erdem seemed to enjoy this. I really wanted to shove the squeaky mattress into his mouth to shut him up. I felt homesick, and I missed Alyosha and the others. None of my friends from Wolfach would've ever forced me to talk about something that made me uncomfortable. I knew more about Ferdi than I ever wanted to know about another person because the concept of shame was foreign to him, but he'd never expected me to share more than I wanted to share.

“Oh fuck off,” I growled and tried not to think about how Alyosha and I were now separated by 124 kilometres. I'd probably never see him again.

“Dude, are you crying?”

“I'm not!” I turned around so that I could press my face into the pillow to hide my tears.

 

I must've left a terrible first impression that night, but I never got rid of Erdem. He was the persistent type that asked too many questions and constantly got me into trouble with his curiosity.

I had some hope that the situation would improve once Cem found us a new flat, but Erdem also followed me there. He was a carpenter's apprentice and helped us with furnishing our flat. On the one hand, I was thankful for his help, because assembling furniture was not my strong suit, but on the other hand, he was a pain in the ass.

Erdem was busy building a shelf in my mother's room while Cem and I unpacked boxes in the kitchen.

_«How are you doing at the new school?»_ my uncle asked quietly.  _«Have you already found friends?»_

I'd started attending a vocational Gymnasium with a focus on economics three days before. My form was a lot nicer than the one at the Robert-Gerwig-Gymnasium, but there was nobody particularly interesting there. There was no one like Alexei, who caught my attention and captivated me with his laughter. There was no Ferdi, who always spoke his mind, no Karl, who brought along beer whenever possible, and also no Mehdi, who embodied everything my mother feared but was still a lovely person to be around.

_«Not yet,»_ I said, avoiding Cem's worried gaze.

_«You miss Alyosha, huh?»_

I nodded.

_«Were there any further developments that I missed?»_

He missed the most important part!

_«We were basically a couple,»_ I replied, voice shaking and tried not to think about how Alyosha clung to me before I left,  _«and I'll never see Alyosha again.»_

_«Come here.»_ Cem put an arm around my shoulders in an attempt to offer me some comfort.  _«I know it hurts, and nobody will be able to replace him. But this isn't the end of the world.»_

Well, it certainly felt like the end of the world.

It didn't get better when I went to help Erdem with the shelves a couple of minutes later. He looked at me with the biggest grin on his stupid face.

“So you're gay?” he asked, and I was _this_ close to shutting him up with my fist. Of course, he'd listened in on my talk with Cem!

“That's none of your business!”

He rolled his eyes. “My best friend is a lesbian,” Erdem said as if that was an excuse for his behaviour.

“That doesn't give you the permission to stick your nose in my private life!”

“Chiiiill,” he said, defensively holding up his hands. “So who's that Alyosha guy?”

I resigned myself to the fact that the only way to get out of this was to at least tell him _something_.

“I'll only tell you if you promise not to bring up this topic in front of my mother.”

“Promise,” he said enthusiastically. Honestly, Erdem was too curious for his own good sometimes.

“Alexei Schmitt, or well... Alyosha was my friend,” I said.

“Boyfriend?”

“Boyfriend.”

“So you guys had sex?”

“Dude!” I should've known that it would come to this.

“Oh come one!” He was grinning again. “Sex, yes or no?”

“Yes...” I admitted, blushing deeply.

“Was he any good?”

For a moment I stared at him, utterly speechless at his lack of tact.

“Are you gay yourself or something? Why are you even interested in this?”

Erdem simply shrugged. “Well, I like women, but I've never done anything with a guy. Can't really tell whether I'd like it or not.”

Sighing, I shook my head. This was bound to be a long afternoon, but at least he noticed at some point that I wasn't going to tell him about my sex life. If only this had been about sex and nothing else! Everything would've been easier if there'd been fewer emotions between me and Alyosha.

 

It took a while to get used to Lörrach, despite Erdem's best efforts to show me around town. On weekends, he'd drag me to football games with his friends or to the occasional party at the youth centre.

Soon I realised that Erdem's best friend was in the same form as me. Avra Raptis was the kind of person who acted all shy and inconspicuous at school, but when we met up with Erdem after school she'd laugh a lot and act just as curious as Erdem. I got used to them eventually, and one evening in spring, I finally let them question me about Alyosha. 

“So you just kissed him?” Avra asked, sounding shocked and fascinated at the same time.

“It worked, didn't it?” I defended myself. “I know that it was stupid, but he kissed me back.”

“And what happened then?” Erdem stared at me expectantly. 

“We...” I could feel the heat rise on my face. “Well, one thing led to another and... we had Sex.”

Avra started giggling uncontrollably. “Oh my god!” she exclaimed, holding her tummy. “You were really thinking with your dick, weren't you?”

I squeezed my eyes shut and buried my face in my hands. This was mortifying. Looking back on it, my last three weeks with Alyosha seemed utterly reckless. I should've never let it get that far because I regretted having had to break his heart. I still missed him, but it helped a great deal to finally talk to someone about it.

“I had the biggest crush on him! And Alyosha was the one who suggested the handjobs.”

“Don't tell me that that was all you did!” Erdem said, rolling his eyes.

“It was. We didn't have condoms or anything, so we couldn't do anything else.”

“That's not sex!” Erdem insisted. Avra reacted with an annoyed grumble.

“You're the only person who thinks that it's only sex if there's penetration. According to your definition, I'd still be a virgin.”

“It's different between women.”

“Dude, honestly, handjobs are just as good as anal if you do them right,” I huffed. “I know what I'm talking about.”

“Ooooh, so you did have anal sex at some point?” Avra's eyes were sparkling with curiosity again.

Erdem wriggled his eyebrows at me. “Top or bottom?”

“Both.” I rolled my eyes at both of them when Avra started giggling again. “Honestly, guys,” I growled, “if you wanna act like children, I'll just shut up and never tell you anything ever again.”

“Oh come oooon, Devriiim!” Erdem whined, looking at me with puppy dog eyes. They weren't effective. “I need details!”

“Only if you admit that you're bisexual, goddamnit,” I shot back.

“But I haven't had sex with a guy yet!”

“But you like gay porn, you idiot!”

“I have to agree with Devrim, honey,” Avra chimed in. The two of them acted like an old married couple sometimes, although neither of them was even remotely interested in the other. “Join us in the club of people with homosexual tendencies.”

“Naaaah...” He sprawled out his limbs on the floor. “I don't wanna!”

“Why not?” I asked, poking his side with my foot and making him roll over.

“Because it'll just stress me out,” he mumbled. “You are the ones who have to be careful about what you tell your parents. I don't wanna have to act all secretive.”

His logic was hurting my brain. Avra pulled a grimace.

“Erdem, admitting to us that you're bi doesn't mean that anything will change,” she tried to explain.

But Erdem shook his head. “Well, you know already, so I don't actually need to say anything, do I?”

Well, he was right in a way...

 

After summer break, I decided to finally put Alyosha out of my mind. More than half a year had passed, and he was still dominating my thoughts. It couldn't go on like that.

So I tried to avoid talking about him, and whenever I thought about him, I forced myself to think of him as Alexei instead of Alyosha. Avra and Erdem thought that that was probably for the best. Erdem thought that it was ridiculous that I was still pining for Alexei. I had to think about my future and stop living in the past.

“You have to find someone else!” he suggested fervently. “If you were able to find a hot gay guy in a small town like Wolfach, it can't be that hard to find one here.”

But no matter which bar or club he dragged me to, nobody ever caught my interest the way Alexei did on our first meeting. There were some nice or good-looking men now and then, but most of them only met one of the two criteria, and those who met both had girlfriends.

I wouldn't have known how to approach them anyway. 

 

In November, I reached a low point. The anniversary of my escape to Lörrach was coming nearer, and it made me feel like shit. On Alexei's birthday, I was tempted to call him, but that wouldn't have been fair towards him. Maybe he was over all of this already, and I'd just open old wounds. Not to mention the open wounds I was still carrying around with me.

I'm glad that Erdem and Avra were there for me. I'd been too hurt to put on the act of invulnerability that I'd put on in front of Alexei when I met them. This meant that they could reach out and help me get out of this hole I'd dug for myself. I was more honest with them than with my first love, which is kinda sad, now that I think about it.

On that worst of all days, Avra kept poking my side whenever I threatened to space out during our Ethics or Economics lessons, and in the afternoon, she made me go to the cinema with her to distract me. It didn't work all that well, but I was glad that she was trying at least.

In the end, it was Erdem who managed to get me back up onto my feet. Avra must've sent him a text because when I showed up at home, he was already waiting for me in my room.

“How did you get in here?” I asked. I wasn't all that surprised since I knew that he'd always find a way to get what he wanted.

“Your mum is visiting my parents, and I asked her for her keys,” he replied, shrugging. “She's worried about you.”

Sighing, I fell down on my bed next to him. “I'm sick and tired of this shit.”

“Of what shit?”

“Of feelings.”

“Ah.”

We remained silent for a while. I was waiting for him to dig deeper like he always did, but he just looked at me, contemplating something.

“What is it?” I asked. His facial expression was kinda scary.

Erdem shook his head. “I have an idea, but you'll think I'm an arse if I tell you.”

“I already think you're an arse.”

“Thank you very much,” he huffed sarcastically. “Alyosha was the only one for you, huh?”

The nickname felt like a punch to the gut. “What do you want?”

His fingers were fidgeting nervously. “Before I tell you, I want you to know that I'm serious about this. Really serious. This is not a joke and I actually think this might help you.”

_ «Tell me, for fuck's sake!» _

He shrank in on himself at the harsh tone of my voice. “Okay... So... We could make it so Alexei won't be the only one for you anymore.”

“And how's that supposed to work?” I was very sceptical. How could anyone replace Alexei?

“Well, you could sleep with me.”

For a moment I was speechless. This was the last thing I would've expected, not after all the doubts Erdem had had about his sexuality. And I'd never even considered having sex with him. But he did? What did that mean? Was he into me? What did he want from me exactly?

Before I could actually think about this thoroughly, my mouth already started moving. “Please tell me that you are not in love with me.”

_ «God, no!» _ He shook his head. “No. I mean... You are kinda hot, but no. What I'm talking about is something else entirely. I must admit that I'm curious about having sex with a guy, and you are both gay and single. But more importantly, you've only ever had sex with Alexei, which is all nice and well, but you'll never be happy if you don't stop thinking about him. You are not his boyfriend anymore, so you can't be unfaithful to him. You can have fun with other people all you want. It doesn't have to be me, but I can assure you that all of this will happen on the basis that we remain just friends. This will be only about sex. No romantic walks to weird castle ruins.”

It took a moment for Erdem's words to really sink in, but once I understood what he was suggesting I was fascinated. I hadn't had sex for an entire year, and Erdem was kinda handsome. He wasn't my type exactly, but I'd seen him in his swimming trunks in summer, and the guy had really nice legs.

Sighing, I rubbed my forehead. “We can try. But I don't have condoms and lube, so our pants will stay on today.”

“If you say so,” Erdem said, but there was a bit of disappointment ringing in his voice.

“We can still make out, though,” I added, and immediately, Erdem's face lit up. He was really predictable. 

Making out with Erdem was different. A lot less exciting but also more relaxing. It felt like an afterthought as if we'd done this a million times already. I was leaning over him, and he was stroking my cheek with his fingers.

After a while, he chuckled.

“Hm? What's so funny?”

“I know now, why my ex-girlfriend always wanted me to shave,” he said, rubbing his thumb over my unshaven chin.

“Does it bother you?”

“Not really, no. It's just different.”

 

Three days later, I found myself lying on Erdem's bed in nothing but my underwear. Somehow he'd managed to get his sister to leave the flat, and both of his parents were at work, so we were completely alone.

“So... What do you wanna try out?” I asked him as he got rid of his sweater.

“Erm...” He threw his clothes on his chair, frowning with concentration. “I have no idea actually.”

“You sure? You don't have any preferences?”

Shrugging, he sat down next to me. “Well... I could tell you what I don't wanna do?”

“That'd be a start at least,” I said, turning on my side so I could actually look him in the face. 

“Well, my ass is off limits.”

“Scaredy cat,” I teased him, but he ignored my stupid comment.

“And try to mind your fingernails. My ex always scratched my back until it was all bloody, and that's really not my thing.”

“No scratching and no touching your ass,” I summarised. “Anything else?”

“Uh, not really,” he said. “What about you?”

“We're wearing condoms for everything we do. And no mindless banging away like a jackhammer.”

 

Sex with Erdem wasn't particularly mind-blowing, but still satisfying. He was attentive, and we both trusted each other. We had our fun, but there was no real passion behind anything we did. Even when Erdem carded his hands through my hair and nibbled at my earlobe, I never had goosebumps. There was no tingling feeling beneath my skin, no proper emotion, but it was fine that way. Afterwards, we still cuddled.

“I think I finally have to admit that I'm bi,” Erdem said, yawning.

“This is not news to me,” I replied with a sigh. “You okay?”

“Yeah. It was nice. How about you?”

I shrugged. “I guess. It was okay.”

“You break my heart!” Erdem exclaimed, his voice dripping with sarcasm. It made me laugh, and he smiled at me tiredly. “Could you pass me my phone? I'll set an alarm. Enise will be back in two hours.”

Almost immediately after setting the alarm, he fell asleep. I drifted in and out of sleep, thinking about how maybe Alexei had found someone else. The pain that was caused by that thought was a lot duller than usual. 

I'm pretty sure that that was because Erdem was snoring next to me.

 

My friendship with Erdem didn't change a lot. Thank god. He didn't stop getting me in trouble every chance he got, and he still abandoned me whenever he found a nice girl to make out with at a club. The only difference was that we'd have sex sometimes when we were alone.

And that's how it was for the next one and a half years. During that time, Erdem had a girlfriend once, so we didn't do anything for about a month, but as soon as they broke up we went back to being friends with benefits.

 

And then my father showed up in Lörrach.

 


	6. Why I don't fear my father anymore

To be quite honest, I wasn't surprised that my father found us right after I graduated. Until then, I'd managed to keep my name out of the internet. I didn't participate in any clubs, didn't volunteer for anything and didn't have accounts on social networks. I did have a YouTube account but didn't use it to upload videos, and you wouldn't have found my name on it either.

But I was good at school, especially in economics and maths. At my school, I was the best student in the Maths Abitur and received an award for it. Together with the people who'd received the awards for the other subjects, I appeared in the local newspaper. 

And thus, it didn't take long until my father appeared in Lörrach and started looking for us. Thank goodness that Mrs Teke immediately warned us when she noticed him walking through the aisles at the Lidl closest to our flat.

Two days later, I saw him with my own two eyes. I was looking out the window down at the street and watched him walk from door to door, reading the bell plates. When he reached our house, I called the police.

In the meantime, a lot of things had changed. During Whitsun break, I'd done an internship at a law firm and stumbled over something that my mother and I had never even considered: restraining orders. I have no idea why we'd never had the idea to go through with one of those before, but I was determined to get rid of my father once and for all. I'd already been accepted as an apprentice legal assistant at the law firm and my boss was willing to help us.

The trial went on for weeks. I'd be lying if I said that those weeks passed me by without getting to me. I've never been closer to a mental breakdown as I was then since I was forced to face the trauma that had been caused by my father again and again. I've talked about this enough in therapy, so I won't dwell on the topic too long now. 

Suffice to say that in the end, we were successful.

I'll never forget the anger and helplessness on Adnan Kargas' face as the judge read out the verdict. Seeing my father like that was immensely satisfying. I'd lived in near constant fear for so many years, I'd been forced to give up so many things because of him, and now it was over. Finally.

 

It's been three years since then. They weren't the three happiest years of my life, but they were coloured by a carelessness that I'd never been able to experience before. Now I'm done with my apprenticeship, and I think it's time for a fresh start. I'm thankful for everything my mother did for me, but I need to learn how to be an independent adult. I'll be moving from Lörrach to Freiburg. The law firm I found there has better pay, but then again Freiburg is a lot more expensive than Lörrach. I'll be leaving behind friends again, but this time around there's no “forever”. I can go back to Lörrach to see Avra and Erdem whenever I want. I don't need to burn any bridges anymore.

Maybe I'll find the courage to go look for Alyosha one day, to apologise for the pain I've surely caused him. Maybe I'll leave things as they are.

Who knows what the future holds for me...

 


	7. How I start a new life

My first week in Freiburg is spent in a flat without furniture and a bunch of boxes stacked up in the future living room. It's almost impossible to find a flat in Freiburg so it took me a while, and I already had to start work before I could settle in at my new place. At least this means that I now know a bunch of co-workers who will help me out with painting the walls and assembling furniture. On Friday evening, I finally find the time and energy to make a trip to Obi so I can buy some painting supplies.

It doesn't take long to choose a colour since I'm fine with white walls. I'll just buy a colourful rug or something if it gets too dreary. Avra will probably laugh once she sees the white walls, but she's not the one who has to live in the flat for the next couple of years.

I load a bunch of brushes, masking tape, paint rollers and a couple of buckets of paint into the cart and push it towards the register. While I stand in line, I send a text to Avra:

_ This is what happens when you let a man decorate a flat _

And then I snap a picture of the white paint. It only takes a couple of seconds for her to reply:

_ I always thought gay men had at least some sense of aesthetics _

Since it's my turn to pay, I put away the phone, and suddenly, I look into a face that is way too familiar.

A set of astonished greenish blue eyes stare at me from behind the register. Just to make sure I look down at the white name tag on the cashier's orange t-shirt.

_ Mr A. Schmitt _

It's him, no doubts about it, and yet I need to reaffirm my suspicion, just in case I am wrong and the A stands for Andreas or something.

“Alyosha?”

“Devrim.”

I have to laugh. I've always thought that I'd never see him again, that there would never be a second chance. Five years later, I find Alexei Schmitt working the register at Obi.

“Dude, it's been too long.” The words slip out of my mouth before I can think about them properly, and his ears turn a bright shade of red as he scans my items.

“Too long indeed,” he acknowledges, and I can barely take my eyes off him. He doesn't dye his hair any more. The dark blond tone that I'd only ever seen at his roots suits him well. His facial features have become sharper, and the shadow of a beard around his jaw hadn't been there either. He looks mature. He's handsome. But... What is he doing in a hardware store? Did the exam anxiety return? Did he fail his Abitur? Why would he have gone to Freiburg then? Living here is mad expensive!

But Alyosha's faster at opening his mouth than I am.

“What brings you to Freiburg?” he asks as I put the paint rollers back into my cart.

“I'm done with my apprenticeship and wanted to get away from my mother as fast as possible.” I shrug. “I have a flat in Rieselfeld now. But what are you doing working at a hardware store? I thought you wanted to be a teacher.”

“Well, I need to finance my studies somehow.” Well, that's a load off my mind. He drags the last roll of masking tape over the scanner and points at the register's display. “That'll be €63.85.”

I get out my wallet, realise that I don't have enough cash and hand him my debit card instead.

“Type in your PIN, and then press the green button two times.”

I can feel his eyes on me as I follow his instructions. I feel hot and cold at the same time. I don't know how to deal with this. I don't want to lose sight of him again, but he might not feel the same. Did he also need way too much time to get over our separation? Does his heart beat just as fast as mine does right now? Should I ask him if he wants to hang out? Just to talk, just to find out what happened to him in the past five years.

He makes the decision for me when he hands me the receipt.

“Hey, if you wait ten more minutes my shift will be over. We could talk a little if you wanted to.”

“Sounds good to me.”

 

My hand is clenched tightly onto the cart as I stand in front of the bakery that seems to be part of the inventory for every hardware store, trying not to look out of place. My brain is providing me with memories of my time in Wolfach, and they play out like a film in front of my inner eye. It doesn't feel like five years. Everything still feels fresh – the excitement, the rapid thumping of my heart, this overwhelming desire to know every little detail about Alexei.

But I can't move too quickly now. I don't even know whether he's single, maybe he's found a boyfriend, and then I might destroy something that makes him happy. Could I just ask him whether he's taken? I don't think that would be a good idea. 

I take a nervous peek at my watch. Ten minutes have passed. For a second, I'm overcome by panic – maybe he forgot about me – but I shake it off and try to distract myself by thinking about how Erdem will react once I tell him that I met Alexei again. Either he'll try to make me jump into bed with Alexei, or he'll try to stop me from doing it. For him, both reactions would be in the realm of possibility, but I can't tell which one would be more probable, let alone which one I'd prefer. 

When I notice Alexei walking towards me in his orange t-shirt, I heave a sigh of relief.

“What took you so long?”

“I had to get rid of a colleague first,” he replies offhandedly, but his facial expression tells me that there's something bothering him. Maybe because he made me wait? I have no idea.

“Well, let's go outside before your customers think that you're still on the clock.” He's finally here with me, so I won't let anyone get between the two of us.

“Oh, you're right,” he agrees and accompanies me to my car. It took me a while to save up for a driver's licence and a car after finishing my Abitur. An old Ford Ka might not be the manliest car out there, but I don't actually care as long as it doesn't break down.

“So what did you do after school?” he asks, heaving one of the buckets into my boot. “You always said you'd be a legal assistant...”

I only mentioned my career aspirations in front of him once, and he still remembers them. Holy shit, I shouldn't be getting my hopes up. How can I still be so done for after five years apart? This isn't normal!

“I am one.” I nod, throwing the brushes into the boot. “Can I assume that you are financing your teaching degree with this job?”

“I major in history and geography and my minor is PE.”

Fuck, he hasn't changed. Not one bit. God, what are you doing to me? This can't be a coincidence. It just can't.

“What did I tell you!” Patting his shoulder is a reflex, it's what I would've done back then as well, but the surprise on his face keeps me from touching him again.

After my purchase has been packed away, we continue talking. He tells me about how he failed Latin on his first try and isn't elegible for student loans any more because of that (that's the gist of it at least, I haven't had to wrestle with that part of the law code yet). I tell him about my move and the new colleagues that I met this week.

I don't want the conversation to end. How nice it would be to be sitting on the playground in Wolfach again, drinking beer together just like in the good old times. But there's no space for nostalgia here. It won't be like it used to be. I don't want it to be like back then, because our relationship used to be doomed to fail.

“Should we exchange phone numbers?” he asks abruptly.

Well, this is one thing that has definitely changed. Back then we didn't have the money for mobile phones, but if we had had them, a total separation wouldn't have been necessary. We could've kept in touch somehow. But maybe it was for the best. I might've become reckless and returned to Wolfach.

“Good idea!” I hand him my iPhone. “Type it in.”

Taking it back, my heart is basically leaping out of my chest as his fingers brush against mine. I immediately save his number under the name _Alyosha Schmitt_ , because I'm a hopeless fucking romantic.

I press the call button. He takes out a pretty worn-out phone and cancels the call so he can save my number.

When he looks up again, our eyes meet. It's just as overwhelming as half an hour ago at the register, but I can't stay much longer.

“I've got to get going. One of my colleagues is coming over to help me with painting.”

Alyosha looks a little disappointed, and I am, too. Damnit, why did I have to tell Timo to come over today?

“I could drop you off at your dorm, maybe?” I offer, but he shakes his head.

“I came here by bike.”

Well, he is studying PE after all.

“Oh, well then...”

We say goodbye with an awkward hug, and his body language tells me that he is well aware of the five years that have passed without me in his life.

 

While Timo covers the floor in old newspapers and fixes them in place with masking tape, I try to mask the door frames. The emphasis lies on “try” since I'm too preoccupied with other things and keep fucking up. Cursing, I rip off the masking tape and try again.

“What's with you?” Timo asks, frowning.

“I met my first love working the register at Obi,” I say and hope that he'll leave it at that.

Timo whistles through his teeth, stretching his arms. “So she immediately got your head spinning again?”

“He,” I correct him.

For a while, the only sounds in my flat are the rustling of newspapers and the characteristic sound of masking tape being ripped off its roll.

“Wait a second,” Timo suddenly says, turning around to face me again. “ _He_?”

Oh. Of course, he doesn't know that I'm gay. Not like I told him. “Yeah. A guy. He has a penis and everything.”

Timo looks utterly dumbfounded, and it makes me laugh out loud.

“Why are you laughing?” His entire face is red.

“Because your face looks stupid.”

He opens his mouth, obviously trying to defend himself, but he thinks better of it and returns to fixing the newspapers in place.

Chuckling, I return to masking the door frame.

“I honestly didn't expect that,” he admits quietly.

“Am I not camp enough or something?”

He flinches as if he's only just noticed that he said that out loud.

“I'm not an idiot. You're not the only gay guy I know, and only a few of them are actually camp.”

“Why are you surprised then?”

“Because... you're Turkish?”

Ugh, that's stupid. “So Turks can't be gay? How would you react if I tell you that my ex's mum is Russian?”

He shrugs. “I don't usually think about these things, okay?” he mumbles. “I didn't mean to offend you.”

“You didn't.”

Timo sighs. “Good.”

 

After Timo left, I fall down on my mattress. The situation reminds me of my first weeks in Wolfach when I didn't have a proper bed yet. And with the memories of Wolfach come memories of Alyosha. I remember the countless evenings with him, Ferdi, Mehdi and Karl. I remember his little sisters and his tired parents. I remember our shitty classmates. Not everything was great back then, but it was the happiest time of my life. The restraining order against my father might have brought relief, but not happiness.

Sighing, I turn on my side and look for my phone. I need someone to talk to, and I have Avra on speed-dial. 

“Hello?”

“Hey Avra, it's me, Devrim.”

“Oh, hi. You sound tired.”

I lie down on my back and take a deep breath. “Alexei lives and studies in Freiburg, and he works at Obi.”

“ _That_ Alexei? Your Alyosha?” she asks excitedly.

“Yeah, that one.”

She squeals squeakily, making me contemplate hanging up on her.

“That's fantastic!” she yells. “Did you talk to him?”

I tell her about what happened, and she listens attentively and only interrupts me once I reach the part where I exchanged phone numbers with Alyosha.

“Oooh! That sounds promising!”

Tiredly, I rub my eyes. “But I don't know if he's still into me. He might have a boyfriend.”

“Why don't you ask him?”

The truth would be that I don't want to actually know, but I can't tell her that.

“It's not like I can ask him out of the blue!”

“Yes, you can.”

“Come on, Avra...”

“You're scared, aren't you? You don't want to know whether he's taken so you won't get hurt.”

Sometimes she hits the nail right on the head.

“Well, the guy _is_ intelligent and hot, he's not going to remain single forever just to wait until I return to him!”

“You also had your fun with Erdem,” she reminds me, causing my stomach to make a weird lurch. It's not guilt per se, but it comes pretty damn close despite the fact that there was nothing wrong with having sex with Erdem.

“But that wasn't a proper relationship,” I grumble. 

“I know. That's not what I'm getting at. I just don't want you to self-destruct if you find out that Alyosha had sex with other guys.”

She's right. I squeeze my eyes shut and try to keep the desperation out of my voice.

“So I should... I should try asking him out?”

“Of course!” In front of my inner eye, I can see her rolling her eyes at me.

 

In the end, it takes a while until I can actually work up the courage to ask him out. There's always a more important task waiting for me when I come home from work – I need to assemble the bed frame, I need to unpack the boxes...

A week after my fateful meeting with Alyosha, I'm finally done. The furniture is assembled and everything has been put in its place. Timo, who helped me out from time to time, comes over on Friday night to eat the dinner I promised him.

“Have you done anything about your ex-boyfriend yet?” he asks, sipping his beer.

I play around with the rice on my plate and take a deep breath. I told him the gist of what happened during a lunch break. He was curious, and I like him well enough, so the decision to tell him wasn't that hard to make.

“I was busy with the flat.”

He nods, stuffing his face with rice.

“But now you're done. You should meet up with him at O'Kellys,” he suggests after swallowing.

“Is that a pub?”

Timo nods again. “My favourite pub 'round here.”

“Hm...” I take out my phone and stare at it for a moment. Should I...

“Do it, Devrim,” Timo encourages me. “There's not much that could go wrong, is there?”

 

And that's how I find myself in a stuffed Irish pub on Saturday evening. It's loud but cosy, and I managed to find a small table for me and Alyosha.

When I see him enter the pub, my heart jumps up into my throat. He looks even better if he's not forced to wear an orange t-shirt for work. The subdued colours of his striped shirt and the skinny jeans suit him well.

I wave at him, and he smiles at me so brightly that I almost forget myself. But I regain my bearings quickly and tell myself that I can't greet him with a kiss.

Instead, I ask him how he's doing while he sits down at the table with me. Alyosha's smile freezes in response. “Uh, I'm okay and you?”

His voice belies his words. He doesn't sound “okay”.

“Do you have trouble completing your term paper?” He did tell me that he was working on a term paper for a history seminar, so maybe that's what's bugging him. It's weird not knowing what is going on his life right now.

“Nah, the term paper's coming along fine...” he tries to avoid the topic, but I'm worried.

“Is it about your parents?”

Living in Freiburg is expensive, and it wouldn't surprise me if his parents couldn't pay his rent or something.

“Erm, kinda,” he says, opening the menu that's lying in front of him. “My mum's mad at me 'cause I broke up with my boyfriend. According to her, he was the first acceptable partner I'd brought home with me.”

I'm not sure what astounds me more, the fact that he recently broke up with someone or the fact that his parents know about it.

“Your parents know that you're gay?” is the question I ask because it seems less dangerous than the other question burning on my tongue.

Alyosha nods, not looking up from the menu.

Did he tell them about me? “And they also know that...”

He instantly knows what I'm getting at and shakes his head. “No. Only Ferdi and Ira know about that.”

“Oh. Okay.” So he told his little sister, but not his friends. Do Karl and Mehdi even know that he's gay? I can't really imagine him telling them. Alyosha isn't the kind of guy who would talk about such things out of his own accord. Ferdi and Ira are both perceptive enough to notice these things on their own, but Karl and Mehdi never seemed to pay too much attention.

Alyosha looks up, and for a moment, I feel like we're at Burg Husen again, and he's telling me that he's lucky that he met me. His eyes are so freaking beautiful.

“What can I get you?” The waitress interrupts us with her heavy Irish accent and destroys the moment.

“Uh... I'll take a pint of Guinness,” Alyosha says hastily.

“Same for me,” I add because I didn't have the time to look at the menu properly.

“How do you like Freiburg so far?” Alyosha says once the waitress left for the bar to get our drinks.

“I haven't really seen anything yet aside from Ikea,” I admit.

 

We talk about this and that. Alyosha tells me that Ferdi recently proposed to Tanja. I tell Alyosha a little bit about Avra and Erdem, though I leave out a bunch of important details. He doesn't need to know yet that I used to have sex with Erdem. He doesn't talk about his ex-boyfriends either.

The initial awkwardness is soon left behind, and now it's as easy to talk to him as it used to be. We laugh a lot, and his laughter is just as beautiful as back then. Whenever our eyes meet, he gives me a small smile and shyly looks away.

Holy shit, I'm still in love with this guy.

“You've barely changed,” he says as if he's psychic or something.

“Neither have you. But I like that you stopped dyeing your hair black. I prefer your natural hair colour.”

Why could I never flirt like this with other men? With Alexei, everything is easier. I want him back. I don't care about the guys that came after me. It's not like he was obligated to stay abstinent during our time apart. We never promised each other anything, and it'd be hypocritical of me to expect him to have been “faithful” to a non-existent relationship when I wasn't.

But maybe we can start something new. Maybe I could befriend him again, and then we could visit each other sometimes...

“Would you like to see my flat?”

The question leaves my mouth without permission. And then everything happens way too fast, and we're paying for our drinks, and suddenly we're on the tram to Rieselfeld.

 

I lead him through my flat, show him the kitchen, the bathroom and the living room. The situation is oddly tense as if there was a storm brewing between us. He follows me from room to room, looks around with interest, but every time I turn my back on him it feels like he's staring holes in my back.

“Well, the windows are nice, but it gets really warm in here if I forget to close the blinds at noon,” I explain after he comments on the large windows.

I can barely take my eyes off him. His jaw and cheekbones have become sharper over the years, but other than that nothing much has changed. He's not a teenager any more, but this young man is still the same Alyosha that I fell in love with when I was sixteen.

“They're still nice,” he says. How I missed his voice. The subtly rolled R that sometimes shines through and indicates that he grew up bilingual, the rich tone that makes me shiver...

“It still looks a little uninhabited, though,” he adds.

“Uh, yeah,” I admit. “But with all the renovating I had to do I barely had time to spend in the living room. I used every chance I had to sleep.”

He hasn't seen the bedroom yet. It somehow feels too heavy-handed to lead him there, but with the way he looks at me right now... There's this gleam in his eyes as if he's expecting it of me.

“Well, you should show me your bedroom then.” His voice is calm as if this situation was the most normal thing that has ever happened to him, as if we hadn't been separated for years. I don't even know why I even invited him to come here in the first place. Maybe I was hoping that he'd come to visit me again if he knew how to get here. But that's obviously not going to happen. He doesn't have enough spare time to spend with his ex-boyfriend, he's too busy studying and working.

“O... Okay.” I lead him through the hallway to the bedroom. He follows without saying a word. His behaviour is making me seriously nervous, but I still open the door.

“Well, this is–”

Without warning, he grabs my shoulders, spins me around and kisses me. Holy fucking shit. What the fuck is happening? His arms are suddenly around my neck, and his tongue licks my lips provocatively, and it feels just like our first kiss. Similarly desperate and just as hot. I reciprocate without thinking, let his tongue slip into my mouth and pull him closer. And when I finally start thinking again, I realise that I don't want this to end. Shit, this has to be a dream. This entire week has been like a dream. There's no way Alexei Schmitt can just jump back into my life as easily as this.

“Devrim.” His lips only leave mine for a split second, to say my name. He says it like I mean the world to him, like we have never been apart and as if we were still seventeen and in love. In return, I press up against him, because _I am still in love_.

Suddenly he pushes me back with his entire weight. Confusedly, I break the kiss and try to regain my balance. To do that I have to take a step back. And then I realise that that was his goal. Without even bothering to look at the room, he directs me to the bed and pushes me down on it. In one fluid movement, he takes off his shirt and throws it aside. I can't look away. PE might only be his minor, but he's well fit. Grinning, he leans over me, kisses my neck and sneaks a hand beneath my t-shirt while bracing himself on the mattress with the other.

I can't resist him, let my hands slide over naked skin. It's warm, soft, stretched over taught muscles...

He takes off my shirt, gaze burning with hunger. So maybe he _did_ change. At least when it comes to sex. There's no more uncertainty, no hesitation. He knows what he wants, and he isn't too shy to take it. To be quite honest, it's hot.

I want to take off his pants, but he stops me.

“Condoms and lube?”

Shit. I didn't plan for this.

Sighing, I let myself fall back onto the bed and shake my head. The sense of déjà vu is overwhelming. Just like our first time – one of us pushes down the other, and then we realise that we don't have condoms.

But then he grins, reaches for his pockets and gets out two condoms and the smallest bottle of lube I have ever seen in my life. So _he_ did plan for this to happen?

“Don't ask,” he says simply as if my thoughts are written out on my forehead. “But I need to use your bathroom real quick if you don't mind.”

I nod because my mouth is too dry to articulate proper words. Before he leaves, he presses another passionate kiss on my lips, leaving me breathless and wanting more.

“Stay!” he orders, winking at me from the doorway.

As if I'd run away now. It's not like I have anywhere else I could go, this is my flat after all...

Does he know how much I missed him? Maybe I misjudged him. Maybe he also never got over me. I sit up, tearing at my hair. My heart is still beating way too fast, pumping my blood south. Why do I still feel like a teenager while Alexei has apparently turned into a freaking beast? 

But he's back. Back in my life and back from the bathroom, without his jeans, but still wearing his boxer shorts, putting on an air of modesty. Grinning, he jumps onto the bed. If I'd done that it would've never looked as graceful. I grab his hands and pull him towards me, passionately kissing him, letting my hands wander up his arms, over his shoulders and down his back until I reach his underpants.

The contented sigh that leaves his throat is a noise that I haven't heard in ages, but it evokes memories of old times, of clumsy fumbling and youthful enthusiasm. I want more of that, more noises and reactions.

Impatient to feel skin, we strip the rest of our clothes off of each other until we're both naked. Lips brush over collarbones, tongues lick at the place where our pulses are rapidly speeding up, fingers grab every bit of skin they can find. We're breathing the same air, and it feels great to be this close to Alyosha again. 

Soon we're rubbing against each other, and he has a hand buried in my hair while I grab around the sheets for the lube. I'm almost relieved when I feel the plastic beneath my fingers. Immediately, Alyosha realises what I want to do and gets off me, lying down on his back with his legs spread invitingly. It's a miracle that my brain hasn't short-circuited yet.

I prepare him carefully, and I get the feeling that it's been a while since anyone has done it for him. At least that's what I gather from the way he looks up at me with wonder in his beautiful eyes that light up every time my finger hit a particularly good spot. And then they flutter shut, and he whispers my name.

“Enough?” I ask, just to be sure.

He nods. Quickly, I grab one of the condoms and put it on. He grabs the lube before I can even reach out for it and generously spreads it all over my erection, making me shiver and bite my lip. And then a mischievous glint appears in his eyes. He pushes me onto my back and settles down on top of me, slowly letting me slide inside of him, tight, hot– holy shit this is amazing.

He says something in Russian that sounds suspiciously like a curse. I actually have no idea, but the rapt smile on his face is worth more than a thousand words. We move in a steady rhythm, my hands on his hips and his fingers hungrily scraping over my chest.

“Mmh... Alyosha...” I can barely think straight any more, and I don't actually want to think, not with him making me feel all hot and tingly inside. Everything that counts is this moment in which we are one, my hips snapping up into his until he moans in ecstasy.

He comes before me, my name on his perfect lips, and then orgasm washes over me like a warm, electrifying wave. He sinks down onto my chest, not caring about how we stick together because of his come. Our foreheads are touching, and we're so close that I can almost taste his breath. Softly, I slide one hand behind his neck and pull him down into a kiss.

“There're tissues on the bedside table,” I say quietly. He nods sluggishly and rolls off me. I take care of the condom and clean myself up with the tissues he hands me. I'd go and take a quick shower if that wouldn't mean leaving him behind. If I could, I'd stay in bed with him forever.

I carelessly throw the tissues on the floor – “I'll throw them away tomorrow.” – and pull Alyosha into a tight embrace. Sighing contentedly, he sinks into my arms.

Oh, how much I missed being able to hold him. There's nothing better than feeling his warmth and his breath on my skin. I still love him.

My dearest Alyosha...

 

My entire body feels heavy as if I'd run through the entirety of Freiburg from Landwasser to Littenweiler. It's nice, somehow. Slowly, I open my eyes, blinking at the brightness. I must've forgottne to let down the blinds in the evening. And then my heart skips a beat. Next to me, Alyosha is sitting in my bed, watching me intently. So it wasn't a dream. 

“Good morning.” I can barely suppress the yawn. I could probably close my eyes and fall asleep again right away, but Alyosha seems to be wide awake.

“Morning,” he replies curtly.

Something's wrong.

“Did you sleep well?” Oh my god, maybe I snored and kept him up all night. That would be really fucking embarrassing.

“I didn't sleep at all.”

Fuck. “Sorry if I snored–”

“You didn't,” he interrupts me, closing his eyes. “I had to think.”

“About what?” Holy shit. What if I misunderstood him yesterday? What if he thinks I only wanted a one-night stand? Holy shit.

“About us. What happened last night.” Fuck! I want to interrupt him, but he's already moving on, “About how I'm sick and tired of not knowing if you feel the same way about me as I do about you. I missed you so much, I kept crying myself to sleep after you left, because it was all too much and because I was scared that your father would find you and hurt you again. You were the first person I fell in love with.” My chest feels really tight all of a sudden. “I don't know what got into me last night, I should've told you all of this before I did anything, I should've asked you if you're serious about me or if this is supposed to be a one-night stand...” He looks incredibly tired, sitting next to me and rubbing his palm on his forehead. “So... I fell in love with you again – or maybe I never actually stopped loving you. What about you?”

Holy shit. 

The look on his face demands an immediate answer, but I don't know what to tell him. Alexei loves me. That's the first time he's ever said it, and I need to process that first. The man of my dreams loves me and wants me to tell him whether or not I feel the same. I should've never made him worry about this. He's right – we finally need to talk about what is going on between us. I have to open my mouth and actually say things instead of insinuating them through actions that can be easily misunderstood. I should've done so years ago. Even Erdem and Avra know more about my feelings for Alyosha than he does, and that's just fucked up.

But first I need to start with a topic that's easier to put into words. 

“The problem with my father is solved.” Thank goodness. “We've managed to get a restraining order against him. He's not allowed to come near me or my mother any more. So you don't have to worry about me any more.” And now comes the difficult part. “And about my feelings...” His eyes bore into mine. I can't read his facial expression at all. It's something between expectant and anxious. Fuck, how do I even put this into words? It's not like I could just say it without preamble, right?

I crumble beneath his intense gaze.

“Well, I... Damn it, I've never said this to anyone before... I am...”

“It's fine.”

He moves to get up, to leave my bed before I can even finish my sentence. I can't let this happen. Hastily, before he actually leaves me, I wrap my arms around his torso. How impatient can a person even be? Goddamnit.

“Honestly, Alyosha, let me finish!” Well, that sounded a lot angrier than intended. “I love you!”

He just stays there, sitting on the edge of my bed, not reacting at all. Did he actually think I would let him leave after a night like that? Doesn't he have the slightest bit of self-esteem?

“Well, there you have it,” I say and lean my forehead against his naked back. “I know that this took a couple years too long, I should've said it back then instead of kissing you all of a sudden, but I was scared, okay? I was seventeen, goddamnit. I didn't know what I was doing. I only realised what I'd left behind when it was already too late. Dude, you won't believe how happy I was when I saw you at the hardware store. I didn't think I'd ever see you again. And yesterday... when you kissed me, it felt just like it did the first time.”

Since I can't reach his mouth right now, I plant a kiss right between his shoulder blades.

“So this is a relationship?” he finally breaks his silence.

“Yes, if you want it to be,” I reply. He turns around, and I let go of him. Before I even know what is happening, he presses a passionate kiss onto my lips and pushes me back into the sheets.

“I,” another kiss, “love,” and another, “you,” and one last kiss, longer and softer as if he wants to apologise for the sudden attack. The contrast between his soft lips and prickly stubble is so lovely that I never want to stop kissing him. When he tries to pull back, I take his face into my hands and hold him there. I can feel how his lips twist into a smile. 

I've missed him so much.

 

“Fuuuck, I forgot how good this feels,” Alyosha sighs contentedly, resting his head on my shoulder.

“Your first blow job in a while, huh?” I ask, grinning. The second round was even better than what happened last night. It's astonishing how much difference it makes to have your partner tell you how much he loves you while you're having sex.

“The last one from _you_ happened five years ago,” Alyosha shoots back without batting an eye. “But that's not what I'm talking about, you nympho. I just missed being with you.”

It feels like I'll melt into a puddle any moment now. “I've also missed you.”

“But I do have some questions for you,” he says, suddenly sitting up next to me.

“Go ahead.” I'm never keeping my mouth shut ever again, not when it comes to Alyosha.

“When did you even start crushing on me? I mean... Our first time was rather sudden. I would've never dreamt that you'd be gay if you hadn't kissed me that day.”

“So you dreamt about me?” I teased, earning a poke to the ribs.

“Answer the question,” Alyosha growls, but the smile on his face softens the dark tone of his voice.

“Fine, fine, I'll talk.” I take a deep breath. It's weird talking about these things now so many years after the fact, but I brought that on my self. “You remember that time when we first hiked to Burg Husen?” He nodded. “Well, that was the first time I actually heard you laugh, and then I was done for. I didn't quite get it yet, and it took a while until I actually admitted it to someone else. I only told my uncle on New Year's...”

“Wait.” Alyosha lifts his hand, nailing me to the bed with a single look. Holy shit, why is he so hot? “What you are trying to say is that you've basically been in love with me since we first met?”

“Erm... Kinda?”

Groaning, he lies back down, hiding his face behind his hands. “I should've kissed you when you told me about your father,” he mumbles.

“What?”

He turns his head, rubbing his temples. “That was the first time we actually hugged and... Ugh, it was just so warm, and I didn't want the moment to stop. I was so done for after that. I held back because I thought you'd hate me if you found out. But no, if I'd told you, we'd probably have lost our virginity half a year earlier...”

I try to imagine what it would've been like. We might've confessed our love for each other, and our relationship would've probably become a lot more intimate, but...

“My departure would've hurt so much more.” I kiss the tip of his nose, which prompts Alyosha to wrinkle it in response.

“Probably, yes,” he agrees and puts a hand on my cheek. “But you're back now.”

We share another deep kiss. He knows exactly what he's doing, pressing hard, playfully letting his tongue slide into my mouth, but a sudden noise interrupts us.

Alyosha's stomach is rumbling.

“Should I make breakfast?” I ask, lifting an eyebrow.

“Ugh!” He pouts at me. “I want to stay in your bed for the rest of my life!”

“I can bring it to you if you want to stay here, little diva.”

He pokes me right between the ribs again. I deserved that probably.

“The bed's no fun when you're not in it,” he grumbles.

 

As I wait for the coffee to drip into the can, I risk a look at my phone. There are three new messages from Erdem.

_ How was the date? _

_ Did he reject you?? _

_ Do I have to come over and comfort you??? _

Sighing, I turn around to Alyosha, who is currently wearing one of my t-shirts and putting jam on his toast.

“Do you mind if I take a photo of you and send it to a friend?” I ask. “I doubt he'll believe me without proper evidence.”

Alyosha shrugs. “I don't mind.”

He smiles for the camera, I snap a photo and set it as my background before sending it to Erdem.

Five seconds later my phone tells me that Erdem is typing.

_ Why does he have a t-shirt with KSH Lörrach on it? _

I frown. Five years and I still don't get Erdem's texts. Is he really this stupid or is he just putting on an act?

_ Because it's mine _

He sends me a thumbs up emoji.

Erdem is weird sometimes.

I pour two mugs of coffee and sit down at the table across from Alyosha.

“I have to admit that I'm curious,” he says, taking a sip of his coffee. It seems he takes it black and without sugar. 

“What do you wanna know?”

He leans back in his chair, looking me up and down. “Are there any ex-boyfriends I should know about?”

This is going to be awkward. “Erm... yes and no?”

Alyosha laughs, which is probably a good sign. “Go on.”

“I told you about Erdem?”

“The guy who refused to say that he was bi?”

“Yes, that one.” I put some milk in my coffee and stir it around to keep my hands busy. “Well, he eventually did admit that he's bi. We weren't together exactly... but we had sex a bunch of times.”

“Friends with benefits, huh?” Alyosha nods, and that seems to be it thankfully.

“What about you? How many evil exes do I have to fight?”

“This is not Scott Pilgrim versus the World,” he chuckles. “But I had three relationships. The first guy broke up with me because I was 'too passive', I broke up with the second one because it just wasn't working out, and the third one was an unfaithful bastard.”

“Ouch.” If I should ever see that guy, there's a good chance that I might punch him. Nobody hurts Alyosha and comes out of it unscathed.

“Yeah, it wasn't nice.”

“And your mother didn't want you to break up with him?”

“I didn't tell her that he cheated. Gerome wouldn't have survived her wrath.”

So that asshole's name is Gerome. But speaking of mothers. “My mum still doesn't know I'm gay,” I admit and take a sip of coffee. She never pestered me about not having a relationship (that she's aware of), and I don't know how to bring up the topic. I also don't know how she'd react.

“It'll be fine.” Alyosha smiles encouragingly. “But you don't have to tell her about me if you don't want to.”

“Will you tell your family?” It's a strange thought. I can't imagine how they'd react. At least they seem to accept Alyosha's sexuality, so it can't be too bad, but still...

“Only if you're okay with it,” he says. “But I think they'd be happy to see you again.”

“Tell them.” 

“Ira and Nastya will be ecstatic.”

 

Around noon, it's time for Alyosha to leave. I lent him some clothes, although they are all a little loose on him. He can pull it off, though.

“I'll give them back when we see each other again,” he promises.

“I can't wait.”

Our kiss goodbye doesn't last long enough for my taste, but that's okay. I can see him again on Monday when I'm done with work. There won't be any more permanent goodbyes for us.

 


	8. How I leave the past behind

Being with Alyosha is different from what I imagined. Now don't get me wrong, I'm really happy with our relationship, but Alyosha did change a little.

First, there's the fact that he has learnt from our spontaneous first time and remembers to carry around condoms and lube just in case (I'll never get over this). But there are other things as well. Back in the day, he used to be utterly paranoid about people finding out about us. Yesterday after he showed me his dorm room, we went for a walk in the Seepark, and we actually held hands. I was even introduced to five of his seven flatmates (the other two weren't there). He also laughs a lot more than he used to.

Well, he does when he's not working on his term paper and not trying to seduce me against my better judgement.

“I don't wanna do this any mooore,” he complains, throwing his head back. He's sitting on my couch with his laptop and trying to fill up the last page he needs.

“ _You_ are the one who wants to become a history teacher,” I remind him and put aside my book. “When's the deadline?”

“The day after tomorrow...” He sighs and looks at me with furrowed brows as if he's thinking about something. And then, very slowly a smile sneaks onto his face. “Devrim,” he purrs and leans closer to me.

“Finish the term paper first,” I say and pick up my book again, although it's getting increasingly harder to actually focus on the story.

Alyosha is not above using unfair tactics. He scoots closer to me so that our arms and thighs are touching. Then he complains about it being too hot in this room and takes off his shirt. I have to use all my brain power to focus on my novel instead of his chest. The overly dramatic sighs coming from Alyosha's mouth at regular intervals do not help.

Growing desperate, I throw a quick look at his screen. Roughly five more lines of text... I force my eyes back to the book and realise that I have absolutely no idea what happened on the last page.

When Alyosha finally says, “Done!” I throw the book aside and basically jump him.

Laughing, he cards his hands through my hair and kisses me.

“You're the devil incarnate,” I whisper into his ear.

“And you love it,” he retorts cheekily, pushing his hands up beneath my t-shirt. His body arches towards me invitingly as I pepper his neck with small kisses. I grab his waist, holding on to it tightly, so I can lick his navel before he squirms away. He responds with a soft hum, carefully tugging at my hair before pushing me further down. There's no need for him to tell me what it is he wants, and I have no objections, so I push down his tracksuit pants.

“Did I tell you that the test results were negative?” he asks breathlessly, as I take care of his underwear. “So we don't have to use condoms for this if you don't wanna.”

He did tell me, but being reminded of it sends my brain into overdrive for a moment.

“You are literally the devil,” I sigh, staring at the naked erection in front of me. I don't need long to make a decision, and there's one thing I immediately notice – his skin tastes so much better than latex.

Cursing quietly, Alyosha lets his head fall back onto the couch cushions. His hand that is still in my hair grabs me tightly, and I love the feeling of it. Closing my mouth around the tip, I move down slowly and pull up again. I'm rewarded with a deep groan that resonates in my bones, so I continue doing just that.

“Holy shit, Devrim!” Alyosha is desperately gasping for air, then suddenly he lets go of my hair and hides his face behind his hands. “Fuck... so close...”

Well, this is going a lot quicker than I thought. I hold down his hips as he comes inside my mouth. His cum is hot on my tongue and barely tastes like anything, but I can't bring myself to swallow. Sitting up, I try to locate _something_ to spit into, but I can't, so I just get up and almost run to the kitchen sink.

I can hear Alyosha laughing his ass off in the living room.

“Fuck you!” I shout over my shoulder and rinse my mouth with water.

“I don't need to anymore, thanks to you!” he yells back and starts laughing again. “You should've seen your face!”

Grumbling, I return to the living room and throw him an angry glare. He's still lying there, half dressed and sprawled out on my couch. If only he wasn't this cute and sexy...

Sighing, I sit down and pet his hair. He grins devilishly before he gets up behind me and wraps his arms around me.

“That was the best blow job ever, though,” he whispers into my ear, one hand sneaking its way beneath my t-shirt while the other makes short process of my belt buckle. I lean back against his chest and let it happen. I love how much attention he pays me during sex.

After unzipping my trousers, he takes off my shirt, saying, “We don't wanna dirty it.”

“Very considerate.”

Alyosha kisses my neck in response and slips his thumb into the waistband of my boxer shorts, pulling them down to free my cock. The way his hand immediately closes around it, applying just the right amount of pressure, makes me hiss. I close my eyes concentrating on the movements of his hands, on how he picks up the pace. His hot breath tickles my ear as he purrs, “I love you.”

I try to reply, but every time I open my mouth his hand moves just a little faster, so all that ever leaves my mouth is garbled nonsense.

This moment is too good to be true. Alyosha's chest against my back is so warm, his lips on my neck are light as feathers, and his hand brings me to the heights of pleasure until I come with his name on my lips.

I finally mumble, “I love you, too.” He kisses my shoulder.

We stay like that for a while. I feel tired and comfortably heavy, and I'm about to drift off to sleep when my phone starts ringing. Groaning, I make an effort to ignore the annoying sound, but Alyosha won't let me.

“Pick up your goddamn phone,” he says, handing it to me with his clean hand. Reluctantly, I do as I'm told.

“Devrim Sadik,” I say, trying not to let my annoyance show.

 _«Hi Devrim, it's me, Cem,»_ my uncle replies. _«You sound like something's bugging you.»_

As if I'd tell him that he caught me right after sex. _«Just a little tired,»_ I say instead.

_«Okay then. I just wanted to tell you that I managed to free up some time to see you and your new flat this Saturday. Would that be alright with you?»_

_«Well...»_ Technically, I have plans with Alyosha that day. I turn around to my boyfriend, who is staring pointedly at his dirtied hand. Quickly, I get up, so he can go and wash it.

_«Actually, I wanted to meet up with... a friend, but I could talk to him...»_

_«A friend?»_ Cem asks curiously.

 _«Yeah...»_ I reply. Why am I even hiding this from Cem? He knows everything already. _«I found Alyosha again.»_

There's a short moment of stunned silence on the other end of the line.

 _«Why don't you introduce me to him then?»_ Cem asks warmly. _«I'd arrive around noon.»_

_«Okay.»_

_«Good. I'll see you and Alexei on Saturday then. Bye.»_

“Bye...”

As I end the call, Alyosha comes back into the living room.

“Was that your mum?” he asks, sitting back down on the couch.

“No, it was my uncle. He's coming over on Saturday, and he'd like to meet you,” I explain.

Alyosha flinches. “ _This_ Saturday?” he asks. Why does he sound so nervous?

“Yeah. Is that a problem? We wanted to meet up anyway, right?”

“No, it's not a problem, just...” He takes a deep breath. “I need to mentally prepare.”

“Cem's cool with all of this,” I assure him, putting an arm around his shoulder.

“If you say so...” Alyosha cuddles up to me, kissing my cheek. “I really don't wanna leave a bad first impression.”

“He'll like you! You are very polite and intelligent, you have a good sense of humour... and you are quite the looker.”

He rolls his eyes and jabs a finger in my side. “I don't care if he likes my looks,” he growls, swinging his legs over my lap and looking directly into my eyes. “But this is your uncle we're talking about. He's important to you, right?”

“Yeah, and so are you.”

 

As Saturday comes around, Alyosha tries his hardest to leave a good first impression with Cem, and I'm ninety percent sure that Cem is amused by his efforts. But after an hour of light conversation, I'm pretty sure that he approves of my boyfriend. Not that I ever doubted this outcome, but it's still a weight off my heart.

Under the kitchen table, Alyosha's leg is shaking nervously as he tries to return my uncle's friendly smile. It would be cute if it wasn't so annoying.

“She's still with Erol?” I ask disbelievingly, putting a hand on Alyosha's knee to calm him down.

Cem sighs and nods. “Dilay has really bad taste in men if you ask me.”

He grins at Alyosha, making him freeze up in his chair, and I'm this close to just laughing out loud. He's such a mess.

“Well, at least he treats her well, or I would've chased him out of my house a long time ago,” Cem continues and sips at his tea.

“I don't even want to imagine what would happen if someone mistreated your daughter.”

He shrugs. “As long as you kids are happy.” Once again he looks at Alyosha and winks at him. “Be careful what you do to Devrim, or I'll hunt you down.”

“I would never...” Alyosha mumbles barely audible.

“That's good then,” Cem says and changes the topic.

 

Closing the door behind Cem, Alyosha tiredly leans against my shoulder.

“Fuuuck, this was so exhausting,” he complains, wrapping his arms around me.

“He likes you,” I assure him and pet his hair.

“So this means that I'm still welcome in your bed?” he asks, his hair tickling my neck. Carefully, I remove myself from his arms and take his hand, leading him towards the bedroom.

“You're only welcome if you lose your clothes beforehand,” I tease and sit down on the bed. Alyosha sits down on my lap and licks his lips.

“That can be arranged.”

 

Between my work and Alyosha's, we don't spend as much time together as I would like, but the time we do spend together is fulfilling in a way I could've never imagined. We go out to eat, watch films or just sit on my couch for an entire evening, talking about this and that. Sometimes, when the weather is good, we go hiking.

Every minute I get to spend with him is precious.

 

Alyosha's bed is narrow, but going back to Rieselfeld after attending a party at the Stusie-Bar would've been idiotic. Well, at least I've learnt that students know how to party because now my head is spinning. Alyosha already forced himself to get up and take a shower, while I still try to regain proper consciousness.

Looking out of the window, I can see black storm clouds forming. Hopefully, they will bring rain. We could use a little cool-down after these last couple of weeks.

“Do you wanna take a shower as well?” Alyosha asks once he comes back and plugs in his hair drier.

“Nah, I'll shower at home.” Alyosha shares a bathroom with seven other people, and I don't really want to bother them too much.

Amusedly, he lifts an eyebrow and starts drying his hair. I'm not entirely sure if one could describe Alyosha as being vain, but he definitely takes care of himself.

“Why did you use to dye your hair?” I ask when he's finished.

“Erm... Well, I wanted to look less Russian,” he admits and sits down next to me.

“So black hair is less Russian than dark blond?”

He shrugs. “Do you miss the black hair?”

“Not really. Looking back on it, you looked kinda ridiculous. You were really bad at dyeing it evenly.”

“You still had a crush on me,” he shoots back and sticks his tongue out at me.

“Not because of your hair,” I reply.

Alyosha's phone starts vibrating. He holds out his hand, and I give it to him.

“Oh, it's Ferdi,” he says, tapping away on the screen. “Do you wanna go to Wolfach with me next weekend? The other's will be really happy to see you, I'm sure.”

For a second I forget how to breathe.

Wolfach. Out of all places I have lived in, Wolfach is the one place I would call home, although I only spent a year there.

Ferdi, Mehdi and Karl. The playground. Beer, cigarettes and laughter.

“You alright?” Alyosha asks worriedly. Seems like I spaced out for a couple seconds.

“Do you think the guys are mad at me for disappearing without saying anything?”

“I told them why you had to leave. They never resented you for it.”

“Oh.”

“Now do you wanna come with or not?”

“Yeah. I'll go with you.” I really want to see my old friends again.

“Nice. We can go visit my parents while we're at it.”

I should've known that that was coming.

 

Driving towards Hausach, I can sneak a glance at Burg Husen. I can barely believe how long it's been that I last saw it. Up there is where everything started. Up there I fell for the love of my life.

“Could you focus on the road please?” said love of my life chides. Blinking, I turn my focus back onto the road before us. We take the tunnel instead of driving through the town. Last time I saw this tunnel from the inside, I was heartbroken.

Alyosha might have fixed the broken pieces, but the scars haven't healed yet, or else these memories wouldn't be as painful as they are.

“We could go on a hike on Sunday if you wanted,” Alyosha suggests.

I hesitate for a moment. In my memories, Burg Husen is almost a magical place. I don't know if it can hold up to the nostalgia. But I can't let my past control me anymore. My father is not a threat anymore, and the future looks brighter than ever.

“Sounds good.”

 

My trip down memory lane made me forget that I'm about to meet Alyosha's family again. I think I get how he must've felt when I introduced him to Cem.

The street has barely changed, and the block of flats they live in looks exactly the same. Alyosha takes our bags out of the boot while I stare at the house and remember how I threw stones at Alyosha's window in the dead of the night.

“What did you tell your parents?” I ask as he hands me my bag.

“I told them just enough. That you used to be my boyfriend, why you had to leave, and that we're back together now.”

I don't think I'll ever find the courage to be as honest with my mother as Alyosha is with his parents.

“Come on, let's go in,” Alyosha says, taking my hand.

The familiar smell of chlorous cleaning agent hits my nose as he unlocks the door. The stairway must've been repainted recently because I don't remember this light green colour.

When we reach the door to the Schmitts' flat, Alyosha gives me a reassuring smile and opens it. The smell of chlorine is suddenly replaced by the smell of food. Before I can step inside properly, a young woman comes running out of the kitchen.

“Devrim!” she yells and basically throws herself at me. If I didn't know that Ira is currently somewhere in Constance, I would never believe that Nastya grew up this much.

“Hi,” I say, awkwardly patting her back. “You're a lot taller than I remember.”

She lets go of me and rolls her eyes.

“I'm not a child any more!”

“You still act like one, though,” someone says, and only now do I realise that Mr Schmitt has also entered the hallway. “It's been a while, Devrim,” he says and shakes my hand, while Nastya greets her brother.

“Hello, Mr Schmitt.”

“Call me Gregor, you're not a snotty-nosed brat any more.”

“Where's Mum?” Alyosha asks, taking off his shoes. I follow suit.

“She went to fetch a jar of pickled tomatoes from the basement,” Nastya replies.

Speak of the devil. Behind me, the front door opens. Mrs Schmitt looks a little surprised when she sees me.

“Oh, you're here already!” she says, shoving the jar of tomatoes into her son's arms, so she can hug me. “You've turned into a fine young man, Devrim.”

“Erm, thanks, Mrs Schmitt.”

“That's Avdotya to you.” She steps back and looks me up and down. “Alyosha, keep him, please.”

“I don't plan on breaking up with him any time soon.”

This situation is kinda surreal. Everyone's much more casual about this entire thing than I expected.

“Shall we go sit down? It's a little cramped in here,” Anastasia suggests. We follow her into the kitchen. On our way there, I notice that they must've done some remodelling in the hallway – the wallpaper isn't peeling off the walls any more.

“Nastya, check if the borscht is ready. And Alyosha, you can set the table.”

I move to help them, but Gregor won't let me. He manoeuvres me onto a chair and asks if I'd like to have a beer.

“Alexei said that you work at a law firm now?” he asks, opening two ice cold bottles.

“Yeah, but I'm just an assistant. Paperwork and stuff like that.”

“But still, that's a good job,” Gregor says.

“Everything is better than that 'actor' Alyosha brought over three years ago,” Avdotya adds huffily. “The only thing he had going for him was his looks.”

“I had to forget about this guy somehow, okay?” Alyosha tries to defend himself and points at me.

“Stop the lame excuses!” Nastya says, putting down a pot in the middle of the table.

I would've thought that meeting Alyosha's family again would be awkward, but I was wrong. They act so naturally and treat me with so much kindness that it makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

 

At night, Alyosha and I cuddle up in his old bed. When I was seventeen the bed already felt small, but now it's worse.

“Do you remember my seventeenth birthday?” Alyosha asks quietly, so we won't be overheard by his family.

“You sure knew how to use your fingers.”

He huffs amusedly. “But only because I practised on myself.”

That's news to me. “My brain would've short-circuited if you had told me back then,” I admit.

“I was scared that you'd make fun of me, to be perfectly honest.”

“As if!” Now it's my turn to huff. “I would've insisted on getting a live show,” I correct him.

“Oh my god, I would've died of embarrassment, but that's not what I wanted to talk about...” he starts and pauses to brush his fingers through my hair. “That was the first and the last night that we actually spent together. I dreamt about having you in my arms for months after that, and every time I woke I from these dreams and you weren't there... I almost cried.”

“But now I'm here.”

“And I'll never let go of you.”

 

The playground has changed. There's a new set of tire swings, the slide has been repainted, and the see-saw has been replaced with a ping-pong table. Ferdi is sitting on the table, grinning as Alyosha and I approach him. He looks more mature, but I'm surprised that he's not smoking. He jumps down from the table once we reach him.

“Dude, it's been a while!” he says and pulls me into a short but enthusiastic hug as if I hadn't vanished five years ago without saying goodbye to him.

“It's been too long,” I agree and pat him on the shoulder. “I heard that you're engaged now.”

“Damn it, Alexei, did you have to rat me out?”

One thing that seems to have stayed the same is Ferdi's teasing grin. Alyosha just shrugs.

“Devrim asked me how you were doing, so I told him.”

“Looks like the two of you are doing well then.” He jumps back onto the ping-pong table, and Alyosha follows his example.

“Where are Mehdi and Karl?” I ask.

“They're on their way. Karl wanted to go to Edeka first, to buy some beer,” Ferdi explains and gets out a pack of gum from his pocket. He asks me if I want one, and I decline. He pops a gum in his mouth and looks me up and down.

“Dude, you look exactly the same as you used to.”

“I told you so,” Alyosha grumbles, but then he suddenly sits up straight and starts waving to someone. I turn around and see Karl and Mehdi coming towards us. Mehdi is smoking the obligatory cigarette, and Karl is carrying a six pack of beer. Some things never change.

Their greeting is just as affectionate as Ferdi's. I'm happy to see my old friends again. The year I spent with them was nice. Erdem and Avra had never actually replaced them. In Lörrach it was never like it used to be in Wolfach, where I was never forced to do anything I didn't want, and where all that mattered was that I was there with them. Not that Erdem and Avra aren't important to me, but it's different.

As if we were still teenagers, everyone climbs on top of the table, sitting cross-legged in a circle. Karl distributes the beer and Mehdi lights another cigarette. To be honest, I wouldn't be surprised if someone calls the cops on us eventually.

“You don't smoke any more?” I ask Ferdi. He shakes his head.

“I decided to quit yesterday,” he says, and everyone stares at him because this is totally out of character.

“Why?” Mehdi asks, taking a deep drag from his cig.

“It's not one-hundred percent certain yet, but Tanja is probably pregnant.”

Shock almost makes me fall off the table, and everyone starts congratulating Ferdi and his fiancée.

“Did you plan it?” Karl asks with raised eyebrows.

“Well, not really. She was having trouble with her birth control pills recently, and we were too lazy to use condoms...” Ferdi shrugs.

“Ferdinand Ecker,” I say, affecting a stern tone, “even I, who has never been near a vagina with my penis, know that kids happen if women don't use contraceptives.”

“Wait a minute, you're still a virgin?” Mehdi yelps, staring at me with wide eyes. This time it's Alyosha who almost falls off the table. He just bursts out in laughter, holding onto me so he doesn't fall over. Ferdi grins like he always does, and Karl eyes Alyosha suspiciously.

“Not really, no,” I say and put an arm around my boyfriend's waist. “A certain Alexei Schmitt stole my heart and my virginity right before my seventeenth birthday.”

In the silence that follows one could probably hear a needle drop. Alyosha buries his face in my arm, but I can see the red tips of his ears.

Karl swallows audibly, and Mehdi's cigarette falls out of his mouth. Cursing, he picks it up again before it burns a hole in his trousers.

“Guys, don't tell me that neither of you noticed how Alexei and Devrim were pining for each other?” Ferdi sighs. “I expected better of you.”

Mehdi ignores him completely and uses his cigarette to gesture between me and Alyosha. “You're both gay?”

“Yes,” is all I have to say to that.

“And you had sex with each other?” Karl adds.

“Multiple times and in present tense,” Alyosha mumbles.

“And they were a couple, and they are one again, now that Devrim's back,” Ferdi finishes up. “Come on. Don't tell me that you have a problem with this.”

“No way, I don't have a problem with this!” Karl assures, shaking his head.

“It just never occurred to me. You could've said something, Alexei!” Mehdi complains.

Alyosha sighs and rubs his temples. “We'd been together for three weeks when Devrim had to leave, and I wasn't even sure whether he was banging me just for fun or because he was serious about me, okay? And afterwards, I didn't want to talk about it, because everything sucked. The other three relationships I had never lasted long enough for me to get around to telling you about them. And now we're telling you, although Devrim is a fucking arse and could've brought up the topic in a less embarrassing way.”

“Sorry, Alyosha,” I say and kiss the top of his head. “I'll try to be more tactful about this the next time.”

“What next time? Everyone knows already!” he grumbles and softly pushes me away.

Mehdi shakes his head. “This is so weird.”

“Do you need a diagram?” Ferdi teases and throws a pack of cigarettes at his head. “You can have them, I don't need them any more. A father needs to be a good role model.”

“Well, mine certainly wasn't a role model.” I take a sip of beer. Fathers are not my favourite conversation topic.

“If you hit me, I'll sock you right back.” Alyosha winks at me.

“Duuude, that one was below the belt!” Karl laughs.

It's easy talking to these people. Uncomplicated. It's the same as back then, only better because there are no more secrets to be kept.

 

* * *

 

The old walls of the castle haven't changed at all. Up here, time seems to be at a standstill. I'm back at the beginning, and once again, Alyosha is by my side.

As nice as my year in Wolfach was, I know that the future that is awaiting me will be so much better. I'm sure of it.

 

**Author's Note:**

> I can be found on [Tumblr](http://gilrael.tumblr.com).


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